DISQUS

CathleenRitt · 5 months ago

Chris,

Until reading this post and these comments, I had never understood the point of one of my favorite parts in the classic book, "Go Dog Go." If you recall, 3 or 4 times throughout the book 2 dogs coming from opposite directions meet on a street corner or some other locale. They have the same discussion every time:

Dog 1: "Hello, do you like my hat?"
Dog 2: "I do not."
Dog 1: Goodbye
Dog 2: Goodbye

They each walk away, noses in the air, alone, in the direction they were originally headed.

The last time they meet Dog 1 is wearing some badass, Mad Hatter/kitchen sink hat the size of small house. Dog 1 asks Dog 2 something like, "Now do you like my hat?" and Dog 2 says something like, "I do, I like your hat very much." They happily walk off together, arm in arm.

What I like about the dogs is that they can be direct and almost rude to each other, even though they live in the same town and see each other all the time. Paradoxically it's harder to be that direct in social media where a friend is frequently a stranger that you have no real world connection with and won't see on the street in your town, or ever, for that matter. Perhaps fear of viral retribution keeps everyone in a zone of polite following, friending and silent ignoring.

When invited to something, there really is no reason to say "I don't like your hat," but to politely decline or ignore, just as you did. Most of the time that's easy since there's a mass invite of some sort. It sounds like this guy made a special point of asking you. I don't know how you politely declined, you may have done what I am about to suggest. Perhaps in the future if you remember that the person bought your book/joined your fan page/interacted with you in a Twitter convo or you would like them to do that someday, you can offer a richer polite decline along the lines of "you've been such a good support to me, but I really can't be much help because I don't know enough about it and can't give it the time you deserve." Maybe your polite decline sounded like "I do not like your hat" to him and he just would have been happy with a little deeper acknowledgement of him and his support for you. Who knows? The point of all this is, Who cares? His reaction was his problem, not yours.

There is a tremendous difference between even your best online relationships and your best real world relationships. The former - even the very best ones - tend to be more polite and guarded, and therefore less honest. It would have been nice if you had said to the guy "I do not like your hat." and he had said goodbye and went on his way. But it sounds like he expected to be treated as an online relationship - polite reciprocity followed by a complete lack of engagement - and you treated it as a real world relationship.

Online relationships won't be real relationships until you can think and act the same as you would in the real world. You have just gotten there ahead of some, but it has to happen for all of us for all the reasons you wouldn't have 50,000 friends in the real world.

So next time some online friend asks you the equivalent of "Do you like my hat?" ask yourself whether this online relationship warrants real world, honest behavior. If not, say "yes I do." and take the hat - sign up for their stupid app or fan page - then keep walking in the same direction you were headed. When he or she is safely out of sight, stuff the hat in the trash. Unsubscribe, ignore, or never login again.

Hello. Do you like my solution? Either way, Goodbye.

sethsimonds · 4 months ago

Some of the smartest, real-world, street-savvy advice on social interactions I've seen to date, Cathleen. Thank you!

I recently received this email:

--Hey Seth,
I am following you on Twitter and have been for a while but have not gotten a follow back from you. I am going through my account today, doing a little house cleaning. I don’t want to un-follow you so, please, begin following me so we can keep communicating.
Thanks, “Mike”--

I told him I "didn't like his hat" (love your use of that story) and that I was sad our only interaction was an unpleasant one.

Give a great networking tool to somebody who doesn't know how to effectively network and the results will always be the same: failure.

Now if he'd only changed the wording to say that he'd been doing house cleaning THEN looked at his list of followers, that would have been more personal and I might have liked his hat a bit more. =)

Thanks for posting, Chris. I've never seen you wear a hat but based on your general sense of style, I think I'd like it. =)

CathleenRitt · 4 months ago

Seth,

Thanks so much. I think Chris does a great job of bringing these questions out in the open and having us puzzle it out with him. He helped me a few years ago when I had maybe 30 followers. I got a DM from a guy to let me know he was breaking up with me as a follower. "you're a nice girl..." I was traumatized. That's taking the real world too far, a silent unfollow was all that was needed. Glad this post introduced us.

dotcalm / Veronika F · 4 months ago

Wow, so he engaged you in a conversation because he wanted to interact and expected you to be equally as interested in what he had to say? Then he went in for the "guilt-follow"?
I'm pretty much the opposite - I assume that many of the people I meet on twitter are very successful and may not have time for me - then I'm honored when they follow - and even more honored when someone like @ScottMonty or @skydiver actually replies to me!
Great answer Cathleen, and thanks Seth for sharing!
V-

EbanC · 5 months ago

I read a book one time that deals with situations sort of like this. It is called "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Dr. Robert A. Glover. Not to get too deep, the book deals with relationships, passive aggressiveness, and one sided social contracts that make people seem like great folks but really are just setting up situations for reciprocation.

This is one of those one-sided contracts. You don't agree to the social contract, but the other party still perceives that the contract is in place and expects payback. In other words, a Nice Guy as labeled in the book. He did something great for you, now where is the payback.

The book is aimed at men and is a great read. It deals with trust and expectations and how to overcome being the "nice guy." Also how to deal with "nice guys."

I guess this is one of the things you will come up against as your social stock rises. Let incidents like this roll off your back. It is not you. you give more of yourself than almost anyone in this space, unselfishly at that. Don't feel guilty because someone else expects a social contract out of you.

Cheers,
Eban

Chris Brogan · 5 months ago

Very useful info here, too, Eban. Thanks for the book recommendation.

tiffanymonhollon · 4 months ago

Who hasn't thought about this at one point or another?

What's difficult is when someone crosses the line and uses the relationship to create social pressure. It's so weird, because most people are conflict avoiders, right? So this is taking that on its head, because they are using the percieved distance online interactions create this illusion of, and use that as leverage to create a situation where now YOU have to avoid conflict you didn't even create!

Eban, it really resonated with me the part about social contracts. There are so many percieved social contracts out there it's silly. Because some I just flat out don't agree with on principle. But even disagreeing with an expectation could get you labelled as Mr. Bad Guy.

So, to flip this back to me, I think about the situation I was in lately where I had beta invites to a program that was doing an affiliate offer, where anyone who signed up under me would get a coupon and so would I. I wanted the coupon, but also, I didn't want to be one of "those people." So what I did was go through my address book and only e-mail the people I know personally who would actually be interested in the service -- and tell them that something was in it for me and for them.

And guess what happened? One person responded back with an affiliate offer of her own! It didn't really apply to me, so I declined it, and felt perfectly fine doing so, but I did wonder -- what does she think of me now? Did that bother her or offend her that I sent her an offer but I declined hers? Luckly she's a friend and it didn't bother her, but it did bring all these questions clearly to the forefront. Will I send out an affiliate offer like that again? In the end, is that coupon that I get worth the relationship perception I might be creating by sending it?

I don't know. What do you think?

Sheamus · 5 months ago

I think you already have your answer, Chris - it's all about relevance. You can be relevant and interesting to somebody but that interest and relevance may not be there the other way around. In fact, I think it's pretty rare.

We drift towards X because we want to learn from them. Do we have something to teach them in return? Perhaps but it's unlikely to be in the same topic, and that means at this moment the answer is no.

Marti_L · 4 months ago

This is an excellent post (as always!) and I can certainly understand your position. It's sad to be on the other side of the equation though.

I used to be able to Tweet a lot. Then family responsibilities changed, and I don't get to use Twitter as often. I haven't changed the way I tweet, just the frequency. But I get a, "what have you done for me lately" vibe from a lot of tweeters. I still try to retweet, post links to friends and interesting articles, and be conversational and friendly, yet I've lost droves of followers - people I was genuinely interested in being connected with. Maybe I said something that upset them, but I suspect it is just that I'm not there very much right now.

Last night I couldn't sleep, so I used one of those "see who you follow that isn't following back" programs, and I was stunned at how many folks I used to have conversations with who have dropped me. I actually cried because there isn't anything I can do differently. I can't tweet as often so I guess my value dropped to zero with these friends. I can understand - priorities change, people find value in different ways. All I can do is continue to positive, offer folks praise and congratulations like always, and do the best I can. Because like you said, "It's not all about me".

But it still hurts. I hope this doesn't sound like I'm whining, I just wanted to show the other side.

Thank you for posting a thoughtful and thought-provoking article. All the best to you!

Chris Brogan · 4 months ago

The same happened to me. I found hundreds of people that I've met in person and that I consider friends who had dropped me. It was a bit of a punch in the belly. Here's what I told myself (so steal it for you): they have other priorities, but it doesn't mean I'm worth less. I'm worth every bit as much as the day I started working so hard.

And that, Marti, is why I'm still proud to follow you.

Marti_L · 4 months ago

Awww, now you're gonna make me cry again (I'm very emotional these days). Big hugs to you. I will never drop you!

CathleenRitt · 4 months ago

Marti - I've had similar things happen recently. I went back through my favorites - what else is there to do when you have a book to write - and found all these @replies from people and to people that I don't follow or communicate with anymore. I couldn't even tell you why. I've been feeling melancholy about it, but I end up going back to my point in my comment to Chris, some of these relationships aren't as real as you think or hope they might be unfortunately. And people get busy or don't have time, etc.
One follower in particular dumped me and it puzzled me so much that I sent him an email apologizing for whatever I had said or done, but got no response. I comforted myself with another thought from my comment to Chris, that whatever it was, it was his thing not mine.
The other thing I told myself is that maybe some people have started consolidating their info. Now that you can get your Twitter stream on Facebook and FriendFeed, if you use those more it might make sense not to follow on Twitter. I don't know, probably nobody does that, but it makes me feel better to think so.

Anyway, I think the whole "add value" is a lot of crap especially if adding value is defined as Retweeting- that's just playing telephone. If you tweet something nice, thoughtful, funny or smart once a week, you're adding value.

Gary Vee made a great comment at the 140 Conference. He said that even if you have only 1 follower, that is 1 person that cares about what you have to say. Just like I tell my friends when their boyfriends dump them, "you're better off without them." So if people are unfollowing us, that's a blessing because then we are not giving our energy to people that don't appreciate it, same as when we unfollow them.

Anyway, I love all your hats and I, like Chris, am not only proud to follow you, I'm proud that you follow me. (If you still do, I better check - ha ha)

Love,
Cathleen

Marti_L · 4 months ago

Cathleen, you are a doll - of course I'm still following you! I deeply appreciate your reply and take your comments to heart, especially, "some of these relationships aren't as real as you think or hope they might be unfortunately".

I love the comment you mentioned by Gary Vee. I will try to remember all of this wonderful commentary the next time I feel a little blue about losing a follower.

Wishing you all the best on your book, hon! Thank you for your reply and wonderful attitude!

Cindy C. · 4 months ago

Ooops, should be in fact. Still learning to use the smaller keyboard on my son's laptop.

Cindy C. · 4 months ago

Now see...you sound like someone I'd like to follow. ;) (in fast...just went and took care of that) This is kind of what makes me a little nervous about the whole...I'll be a good twitterer if I "add value". What does that mean? I post a certain amount of links? I RTed 62.5% of the time? I don't spam, but there are still people who don't follow. Does that mean I don't have enough "value"? C'est la vie!! I'm me.

sass · 5 months ago

Great question about "returning the favor," and no easy answer. I think it boils down to (as most human interaction does) the level of connection, commitment and relationship. If you have a vested, committed relationship with a person, as a true friend you know well, a family member, a co-worker, etc., you may well be inclined to join their Real Estate group even if it doesn't hold much interest to you, as you are already more inclined to support this person's efforts due to your existing relationship, that has developed over time. It has much less to do with reciprocity and much more to do with being in a "relationship." I see this "connection" as very different from TRUST (your current keyword <wink>) as you can easily trust someone you don't know that well or are not strongly connected to, as the trust can come from many other levels and sources. But that's quite another discussion... In the world of so-called Social Media, the tools make "quid pro quo" so easy, and the underlying (and perhaps artificial) importance of friends, followers, contacts, etc. might be putting undue (unwarranted?) pressure on us all to pay more attention to the reciprocation, and less attention to the relationship. Long term, the real value is always in the relationship!

Thanks for prompting some morning brain activity!

TimWalker · 5 months ago

At least from the thumbnail description you gave, the problem in this case came from the other person: it was *they* who made it a quid pro quo -- or tried to. Bad on them.

In my experience, it's incredibly important to reach out to people in the spirit of giving: sure, it would be good publicity for my project X to say "Hey, Chris Brogan will be there" or "You know, Chris is a member of that" -- but I'm not going to invite you, much less pester you or try to make it a quid pro quo, unless I think it's something *you* would really profit from doing.

One more note: your book costs less than $17. I imagine an average hour of your working time retails for well north of $50. So the person attempting to do the quid-pro-quo-ing would seem to have a very poor sense of the economics involved. :)

Chris Brogan · 5 months ago

Add a zero on that hour of my time (at least that's roughly what I charge), so you're right that it seems to be a reasonably well-priced alternative. And hey, you get an hour of Julien's time and I bet he's not cheap, either. : )

TimWalker · 4 months ago

Precisely, Chris. :)

Even if you expanded the scope from all the hours you *bill* to the grand total of hours you *work* (incl. blogging, traveling, etc.), it's *still* presumptuous of anyone to think that their purchase of your book -- which brings you a couple of bucks in royalties -- in any way obliges you to give them an hour of your undivided attention.

davidsherfey · 5 months ago

Time is valuable and there are finite limits to it.

Trust is earned.

The question is "what is the relationship?"

Following on Twitter can be done easily and perhaps the value of that micro-relationship can grow over time. When someone wants you to "try their new app," that is another story: they are asking for your valuable time, and NOW. Being snitty because you said "no" means they were actually not asking, they were really demanding.

Few in anyone's life have any right to do this, online or off. If the snit was someone you had a relationship with maybe you could go back to them and let them know how that made you feel. If there was a real relationship, perhaps there was a misunderstanding.

Expecting reciprocation is an unrealistic expectation. Gotta earn this.

ThomasWatehouse hit the nail on the head...

Sue · 5 months ago

I wouldn't buy a book, or read a newspaper, if I wasn't interested in its content. Therefore I don't expect those I follow to follow me back, or vice versa.

Rosalie Mangino-Crandall · 4 months ago

I agree. Maybe I'm taking the wrong view here, but I think it's important to connect only with things that interest or are otherwise of value to you. Otherwise it's all just numbers and there's no real commitment to any of it, which makes building relationships a challenge. I hope I don't upset anyone, but I try to only follow people I feel I can (and want) to keep up with. I probably don't really "get" social media like I should in terms of its greater implications for relationship-building and business, but I just don't understand the value to the individual in following more things than can actually be read.

christianadams · 5 months ago

Here you go smarty pants. Now you have my drivel on both channels.

I often call this my greatest weakness. While we have all heard the saying, "You can please all the people some of the time, and some of the people all the time, but you cannot please all the people all the time." that doesn't keep us from trying.

People who don't get that don't understand internet etiquette to begin with or have trouble peeling back the onion to really use the social media karma machine as it was intended.

This is why even today you still see marketers using social network wrong and as a result wasting their time and our time. They become reactionary and get their feelings hurt. YOU ARE A CAR SALESMAN. Come back when you are really ready to engage me the consumer and the organic process.... Read More

With all this being said, I am still waiting for the LinkedIn acception from you, Chris. Bastard. hahah lol

Chris Brogan · 5 months ago

Hahahaha. Thanks for double-dipping. I teased you but I'm glad that you shared.

Wait... you are? (LinkedIn). Will you re-send? linkedin at chrisbrogan dot com for an email address. I don't see you pending.

christianadams · 5 months ago

Crap. I even gave you a better than average invite with references to OODA books you would've liked via our convo last time you were in Cbus. I'll re-send in case I become famous.

I don't know what my deal is this morning. Most un-PC SOB. It is 10:28 and still no coffee. Probably a sign I need to quit. Maybe I'll take up smoking. I've gotta stop laughing at my own jokes. Fail on self-amusement.

Clay Hebert · 5 months ago

Many of the other commenters already nailed it, so instead of repeating them, I'll add some historical context.

The Wikipedia article on "gift economies" is one of the best I've read on any topic and full of interesting historical and current day examples.

If you're rushed, read the 'Social Theories' section on Lewis Hyde and Marcel Mauss.

One great example that sounds......familiar:

Native Americans who lived in the Pacific Northwest, practiced the potlatch ritual, where leaders give away large amounts of goods to their followers, strengthening group relations. By sacrificing accumulated wealth, a leader gained a position of honor.

Chris did this without the plan to gain a position of honor, but over time it was inevitable.

Great comments, everyone. Keep up the great work, Chris.

Chris Brogan · 5 months ago

Wow. Thanks for this, Clay. Julien Smith and I are interested in variant economies and currencies, and I'm going to go read the article now.

Glad you pitched that in.

Jeremie · 5 months ago

I was listening to some audio of Thomas Leonard the other day and he was talking about one of the highest levels that he believed he could evolve to: being a "cause". He believed that once he could become a cause of good things without caring about what happened after he caused it, and without having to experience reciprocation to feel good about what he did and himself then he would have evolved to one of his highest states.

I found this to be quite profound and is something I learned as a Crisis and Suicide prevention phone counselor. People call in, I would help them as best I could, and then they would hang up. I never got to know what happened to them, I needed to feel empowered without knowing my effect, I had to be empowered with the fact that I tried to help, that I was a cause.

If a person follows you, or invites you to join a group, or any other social act on the internet they have started a relationship, they have been a cause, and they need to be satisfied with that no matter what the effect they receive is. Be satisfied that they have added value (possibly) to someone else, and not worry about what happens in return.

My life is becoming much simpler as I begin to realize that I can be a cause, but I have no control, and should have no expectations over the effects.

ThomasWaterhouse · 5 months ago

It's about adding value. If I add value for you, then follow and enjoy. I don’t desire a sense of duty or obligation in my relationships.

jonathan · 5 months ago

I don't expect reciprocal behaviour in this environment and I don't engage in it. I follow people on twitter because I'm interested in what they have to say. Sometimes they follow me back, sometimes not. Sometimes we end up engaging in dialogue, sometimes not. There are far too many people who appear to be following countless others just to build their own follower count.

Facebook is a bit different as you can't "follow" someone without their approval. However I keep facebook pretty much to people I know, so it's not an issue. I do ignore plenty of facebook requests to join one group or another as I suspect my friends are just sending them to everyone anyway.

Rachel · 5 months ago

We may like reciprocal behaviour but we shouldn't expect it. It's the expectation that someone will behave exactly as YOU want them to, forgetting that they have their own lives, motivations and reasons for doing it their way, not your way. It's insular and ignorant to demand such behaviour. Some may regard such actions an only polite but when being polite takes such time and effort, then it's impolite to ask it!

Chris Brogan · 5 months ago

I'm happy to hear your take, particularly because of your national upbringing. It may be stereotypical, but I think of your culture as the ultimate in polite and reciprocal. That said, your words validate my thoughts more.

Juscelino M. Acevedo · 5 months ago

I think the problem is that there are so many "blogging" websites out there telling us the same thing over and over and over. We get confused. I think we really expect the "famous" bloggers to follow us and pay attention to everything that we do based on the "great advice" that we have received.

I have learned very quickly that most of that advice does not work and I simply have to work hard at being recognized and make sure that my content is the best that I could possibly write. In my case I still don't have anywhere close to big numbers, but I am slowly networking with people who I feel are attempting to help me. I am satisfied with that because it is more personal.

Sorry, I got a bit off topic, but my point is that we (newbies) are being taught that if you stalk your favorite blogger you will get noticed, and magically get thousands of visitors.

Chris Brogan · 5 months ago

If you think that being noticed makes you instantly interesting to thousands of people, that doesn't even make sense. Know how I got my community? One recommendation at a time. It took me 8 years to get my first 100 readers.

Dan Butcher · 5 months ago

Interesting thread, and very helpful, but this is by far the most useful take-away for me:

"It took me 8 years to get my first 100 readers."

Can I tell that this makes me feel so much better about my own blogging? Reading some of the social media "experts," it's easy to get the idea that a significant reader base can be built in mere months, leaving many of us to wonder what we're doing wrong. Thanks for being honest!

Chris Brogan · 4 months ago

Maybe I'll just put that out there in a separate post. You're not the first person who said that.

Timothy Carter · 4 months ago

In this CRAZE of late with the hype to get thousands of followers to establish yourself as an expert from those tweets to get 1000 followers in a day or software programs used by many people (including the gurus and experts who've popped up this year on Twitter) to create a false sense of authority.

I think it would be a great post Chris to share that story and really how it would refreshingly stand apart from these experts of late who are trying to take the shortcuts to real success & authority in the industry.

christinakatz · 4 months ago

Yes, I agree. I'd love it if you'd write about the time factor. I am sad when folks seem to be in a big fat rush these days instead of favoring a take your time and do it right, kind of pace. The unholy rush isn't going to help anything. :)

Tom Collins · 5 months ago

Chris, you've started a fascinating discussion (again) and it's going off in a number of directions, as good discussions usually do.

But I hope this specific point about how long it takes (and how much work, commitment, passion) for a network to grow doesn't go unnoticed.

We talk about "emergent" networks or communities as if they happen without any effort by anyone. It seems to me the kernel of what it takes may apply to your reciprocity question, too. For a network to start, grow, and endure, it has to provide value to those who participate. It isn't necessary for me to give value directly back to you immediately. But the value I get over time should induce me to put something back into the network and add to the value you get over time.

I don't see relationships as transactional. I'm fumbling for the right word, but maybe "organic" or some such? Over the long term, it could be more valuable to you if I wrote a post in my blog mentioning yours, or retweeted the link from Rachel that brought me here. You may never even know that my "help" ... helped you.

I think people who look for immediate "return" on their "investment" in a relationship won't end up ever experiencing a real one.

Tom

Alicia Arenas (@AliciaSanera) · 5 months ago

Brilliant! Thank you for getting us back to basics. Real, long-term relationships with people who are loyal takes time and trust.

amybryant · 5 months ago

Wow, that is a helpful piece of information right there. As someone who is just launching her solo career and will be blogging soon, it helps to get some perspective regarding readership. My expectations are now more realistic after reading this. What's that John Houseman used to say? "We make money the old fashioned way. We earn it." Same goes for readers.

Tina Mammoser · 5 months ago

The people online who seems to reciprocate with no discrimination are the same who then complain about social media networks having so much 'spam'. I hold that we shoudl share what we can and appreciate people who want to follow, and vice versa. Quite a few people I follow on Twitter are knowledgeable in their area and share information that is useful to me as a small biz - I don't expect they want to follow my art tweets in return! ;)

You summed it up perfectly, it's not "all about me".

SpikeTheLobster · 5 months ago

There's far too much politeness for the sake of politeness. Take the Twitter example: following because someone follows you makes no sense - that's just inviting spam. It also makes no sense following everyone, then using an app to filter them all out - that's just totally fake (and downright rude).

I am of the firm opinion that honesty is always best. We're not responsible for how other people feel, so - in answer to the question - no, I wouldn't follow back. Not without a good reason. But if I did, you can guarantee the mutual following would be worthwhile.

If anyone ever wanted some solid proof that automatically "returning the favour" is a bad idea, just look at how many followers you lost in the recent Twitter de-spamming. How many? Hundreds? Thousands? That was all wasted "politeness".

Chris Brogan · 5 months ago

Very well put.

kerrydexter · 5 months ago

Courtesy is as important online as it off -- and I think that includes *not* reciprocating every request/follow/subscription. You make connections in order to pay attention to them, to learn, to share -- at different levels, perhaps.

I have different areas of interest, at different levels of involvement, and so does everyone else. I write mainly about a several rather specific areas [folk and Celtic music] and do not expect everyone I may contact because of another interest or project is going to want to know about that. I do not always reciprocate, nor do I expect others to do so.

Julio Ricardo Varela · 5 months ago

I only reciprocate when I know the person very well and see a benefit to my business and what I am doing. In the end, social media does not supplant basic business principles and etiquette. The people who truly understand this are the ones who know you and trust you more than anyone else. Others who don't and try to play off you are just being misguided. Cool post, as always.

Betsy Kent - BeVisible · 5 months ago

Chris, I agree with you. I follow people who share information about things that I am interested in. That way I am smarter and a better advisor to my clients, my family and my friends. However, following and friending everyone that comes my way will build my network in terms of numbers, but would lessen my network's value to me.
I can understand that someone would be disappointed when someone doesn't follow them back. But in the case of the real estate company's fan page, how can someone expect you to be a fan when you have never used their services?

Beth Caldwell · 5 months ago

I, too, am of the belief that reciprocity is not an online standard. I didn't come into the world of Facebook and now, Twitter, with the notion that I would have to follow someone who follows me, or join a group just because my friends were doing so and invited me.
I reserve the right to choose wisely no matter where I am interacting.
Perhaps this kind of thinking leaves me with just 33 Twitter followers and 16 friends on Facebook, but so be it. I've always stayed on the road less travelled and the Internet isn't going to change that.

Justin Parks · 5 months ago

@chrisbrogan its a decision I thought long and hard about on different occasions regarding this reciprocal mind set in social media and I came to the conclusion its wrong and not necessary.

By being "blindly" reciprocal out of a feeling of fairness is not actually being fair to anyone, you, or those following you, in fact it dilutes the value of both parties involved.

Take the example of reciprocal links between sites. Because someone links to you on your site, do you immediately reciprocate by linking back? No. Of course not. Its a matter of choice on your part and theirs. The fact that they are linking to something means they see value in it, why would they or should they expect anyone to reciprocate back for this reason alone.

Its not a slap in the face or a matter of saying "They think I'm great but I think their stuff is crap" its just not something you are obliged in any form or fashion to do for a whole multitude of reasons from SEO, value to your own readers, person value, and the relationship (or lack of) with the other body.

I don't feel any requirement to follow everyone back, or accept every group request or fanpage. Why should I? I don't go to the pub and accept every drink offer or buy every person who walks in the door a drink, even if I did I see no reason why they should all reciprocate and they wouldn't either. The same goes for every personal and business relationship I have. I meet a lot of people and businesses but I do not form friendships with them all or do business with them all, its not possible because its not always going to work.

Taking from your example of refusing to join the new social media application where you decided not to and you got the reply, “Thanks. I’ll still buy your book.” That just makes me laugh. I would consider distancing myself as quickly as possible from this person and their childishness. Who are they to expect or demand that you do something you have obviously assessed and decided "its not for me, sorry". To them I say, take it on the chin for gods sake, its not the end of the world and to you Chris I would suggest you forget about feeling awkward.

Would you have felt awkward if they had asked you to join their knitting club when you have no interest whatsoever in knitting? I think not.

Jan Schultink · 5 months ago

I like the way you are trying to get a handle on trust relationships in an online world. It used to be about going to the same university, having met over coffee for 30 minutes, having a trusted friend in common, being part of the same family.

Now you make the call based on skimming a LinkedIn profile, browsing someone's Tweets, and/or reading someone's recent blog posts.

marjae · 5 months ago

I don't think that people should approach online relations with the idea that 'everything must be reciprocal' or with the 'I gave you a present, therefore you have to give me a present' attitude. This is not how we deal with people in the offline world (at least I don't!), and I don't believe this should be how we operate in the online world.

As for twitter... I do not follow back everyone who follows me. If I believe they are somewhat relevant to me, and what I'm doing, I will (this covers the majority of people who follow me). I follow many people without any expectation of being followed back because I want to learn from them and their insights.

If I recommend you, Chris, in a #FollowFriday on twitter, I do not expect you to return the favour and would be astounded if you did. Your word carries far more weight than mine, and your recommendations far more weight than mine. Just because I take the initiative to do something of possible value for you (recommending you to my followers) does not mean you have to do the same for me. This expectation would be completely unreasonable.

My end opinion? Reciprocal behavior is nice, but should never be expected.

Ted Vickey · 5 months ago

I like doing things for friends and strangers, but I don't do it with an expectation that they will do something for me. In fact, I'd rather they do something for someone else. There is more satisfaction in that. The internet clouds the issue of "friend" - my online friends and offline friends are different.

Kelly · 5 months ago

Chris,

As Sheamus says, I think you have your answer. Netiquette does mean treating people as well as if they were right in front of you. It doesn't mean quid pro quo, just like... if they were right in front of you.

If I buy a pizza in your shop, are you coming to my office to hire me the next day?

Not likely, UNLESS I turned my wait for the pizza into an opportunity for a killer conversation AND we got to know and trust each other that quickly AND you developed as keen an interest in Experience Design as I have in pizza. Economics simply doesn't function that way.

So for the most part, quid pro no is the rule IRL and online. To get snippy at you for not having an interest in one more social media outlet is childish and just a little bullying. To have expected a yes from a busy guy with his fingers in many social media pies also makes me think the person didn't know you too well in the first place.

'Scuse me now, I have to run and get a pizza. ;)

Regards,

Kelly

Melissa Ward · 5 months ago

Conditional acceptance and expectations have been causing strife in human relationships forever. Would you tolerate someone saying “I’ll love you more if you take out the garbage.”?

Do you think it would be a huge loss to you if someone unFaned or unFollowed you because you did not Fan / Follow back?

My answer is no.

I work on the premise that if you Fan my business page or follow me on Twitter, it's because you think I have something of value to share with you. If you are sharing something that I find to be of value, I am more then happy to do the same... if you're not - sorry. If I lose a fan or follower because I did not reciprocate, I do not consider it a loss as their motive for connecting me was not about sharing or having a conversation.

Jonathan Kranz · 5 months ago

Just two weeks ago I got a hostile tweet from an indignant follower who warned me that unless I reciprocated, he would unfollow me. What a twerp! I never asked him to follow me -- why should I be burdened by an obligation initiated by an action he took of his own free will?

karmic angel · 5 months ago

I don't expect people to reciprocate when I comment on their blog or even follow them on Twitter. To me its like we're all at this big party, carrying around our drinks and socializing with people we have never met. If you wander over to me, there was something that attracted you... maybe it was a conversation I was having that you overheard, maybe you had the same drink in your hand that I did, maybe your friend was talking to me, whatever. Once you and I meet at that party, maybe we find out we have lots in common and totally hit it off, but maybe we don't. Maybe that is it for us, a couple minutes of casual conversation and then we drift off again.

Forcing intimacy online is just as odd to me as it would be to attempt to force conversation with someone at a party whom I did not know and had nothing in common with. Its just plain awkward.

Chris Brogan · 5 months ago

Funny, when I read this, I think about how much this matches up in the real world when we met at PAB. I wandered over, and we started chatting. : )

cc_chapman · 5 months ago

A tough thing indeed and something that I think every day is getting harder. I've run into similar situations more then once and it is never an easy thing.

The way I've always approached it is that I give and help whenever I can, especially when it comes to a Friend, but I know that I can't always do it. Anyone that is truly a Friend will understand this and while sometimes the friends I make on networks and such instantly assume they can have the world from me, they need to realize that is not a reality.

I give you something. I help you with something. I do so because I want to. Not because I ever expect anything in return. I think most people approach things that way, but I know it is not everyone.

WendyNamack · 5 months ago

Like many who have already commented here -- I follow people and organizations that provide information that I like. It is about the content they deliver. Yours, Chris, by the way is FABULOUS -- I'm an unabashed fan!

I bellieve more in an abundance approach, rather than one of reciprocity. Your successes in no way limit mine.

I'm a *newbie* too, and learned quickly that as my numbers, of followers grew that there were some that I didn't want to have as followers. Twitter Karma is a wonderful way to review and unfollow or block those that you do not want to see in the stream.

And I learned to vet all my followers through TweetLater, and I do follow them because when I scanned their tweets, there was useful content. Also, like you said yesterday, if the content drifts or no longer seems relavant, I will unfollow, only to control the information stream, not as a judgment.

And I stopped all the auto DMs with another application. It allows me to focus on what I truly want to see. And I love TweetDeck because I can group my "Tweepers" -- the ones I really want to see and follow.

I set some artifical limits about social media platforms when I first got started, largely because in my field our compliance review processes are VERY present and I believe they are there to protect us from ourselves. I still only use MySpace with family, mostly to keep track of my niece and nephews pages.

I only invite *real* friends and acquaintances on Facebook, I do accept friendly invitations from folks who are real and interesting and interested in me -- some nice friendships are developing there. I don't seek fans because I'm not permitted to have testimonials displayed. I do *fan* businesses that I use and support locally. I don't have any interest in playing all the game applications, but others do and have fun with it.

In LinkedIn, I accept all invitations -- one never knows where or to whom a connection may lead. I suppose that sums up what I'm trying to say -- or maybe I'm writing in circles. Ciao for now.

markwilliamschaefer · 5 months ago

Being able to say "no" respectfully and politely is another aspect of being authentic. Why build an expectation that will not come true?

As my social media engagement goes up I am increasingly being asked to recommend people, products, etc. I want to truly help people where I can but in cases where I really don;t believe in something, the best way to authentically help them is to say "no."

@markwschaefer

Roland Hesz · 5 months ago

I don't expect reciprocate behaviour. If I follow someone on twitter I don't expect them to follow back, and I don't automatically follow back either.
The fact that I find someone's tweets interesting does not mean he would find mine interesting. And the other way around.

I can understand that some people decide to unfollow, unfriend, etc. if they are not friended/followed back, but if I follow everyone then I will lose every value I have in these things.
And anyway, if somebody follows you only to be followed back, what is the value in that?

Emon · 5 months ago

I think you are right to say no if it doesn't add to your agenda. If ppl see it as invite exchange program, then they've got it all wrong. Same goes for linking to someone's blog: just because I've linked to them doesn't mean I should expect them to link back.

Roger · 5 months ago

This practice is actually taught by some of the high profile marketing gurus!

Chris Brogan · 5 months ago

Which? The insistence of reciprocation?

Qrazy · 5 months ago

I only "expect" reciprocal following/joining from people I met in real life of ones I have truly connected with online.
Anyone outside of that is a bonus.
I understand that not everyone can believe in your vision or same the POV on life, but it is great to see that you have touched SOMEONE...
If I see someone that has a group that I would not usually join, I will forward that information out to people who may need it.

David Michael Gowel · 5 months ago

I think that if you connect, follow or friend anybody for any reason, then the real value of the underlying social media tool is lost. I think there's a fundamental reason LinkedIn, Twitter and Facebook give you the option to ally yourself with only people you know or have a compelling reason to get to know better and that you're not automatically associated with the entire community from the time you join. I believe that reason is to let you keep yourself from diluting your valuable interactions. Thanks for the great post to stimulate chatter.

stuartfeigley · 4 months ago

What about the thought that a great idea can come from anywhere? If you're really picky about who you follow, you can miss out on a lot of great ideas/thoughts.

That's why I love Tweetdeck. I can segment those who I follow (ad folks, favorites, social media folks, etc.) into columns. The key for anyone I follow is this ... if he/she tweets stuff I find interesting/helpful/etc., they get moved to a column that has fewer people in it. Those I read and interact with regularly. The "All Friends" column gets scanned when I have time and there's less interaction.

Kevin Stirtz · 5 months ago

Chris, I read a funny quote that says "If we're here to serve others, what are the others here for?"

While its funny it also is instructional, especially in the context of discussion you've started here. Life is NOT just about reciprocating. It's about being true to yourself and knowing you'll do what's right regardless of what others do think or say.

When we serve others and we do so for the pure joy WE get from serving them, that's a selfish yet wonderfully giving act. It can and should stand on its own. It does not need nor should it expect reciprocation.

When we serve others because we expect them to return the favor, it taints the deal. It sets up both people for a bad experience. It's no more than a negotiated transaction even though the "contract" may be invisible and implied.

To answer your question directly, we probably do expect reciprocal behavior (much of the time) but we should not. Each act should stand on its own. Just my humble thoughts on a Saturday mornin!

Chris Brogan · 5 months ago

Your humble thoughts are welcome here, Kevin. Thanks for that quote, too. I haven't thought too hard about that, but yes... what ARE those others hanging around for, anyhow?

: )

Ed Cabellon · 5 months ago

Chris, I appreciate this blogpost a lot. As someone who works in Higher Education, the message we share with students is the same..... Social Media tools are for connecting with others, sharing ideas, and building relationships. If people stick to those goals for using Twitter/Facebook etc., everything else will fall into place. Our competitive nature sometimes clouds our vision, but we have to remember that building your #whuffie takes time and doesn't happen over night. Thanks again!

surekhapillai · 5 months ago

i am not sure what your reaction/decision would have been had this happened when you first started out, chris. i wonder if how one feels about this varies with where one is at the social media lifecycle, if there is any such thing. for someone who has just started out, perhaps the options to say no are fewer than those who have been through the grind and are already well established.

i have just started blogging and i already feel this i-scratch-your-back-you-scratch-mine attitude is beginning to weigh down on me. personally speaking, i would never do it nor would i like it if someone were to be nice to me just so i can endorse them along the way.

finally, i also wonder if guy kawasaki or any of your friends had come to you with a similar request, whether you would have reacted in the same vein. the reality that we cannot escape is that eventually we are nicer to people we know and need in real life, and that extends to social media as well.

i believe give and take would continue, whether we like it or not; admit it or not.

Chris Brogan · 5 months ago

You've got a few points here. One is, "does popularity change the equation?" Oddly, it works against me. People believe that I'm being snobby if I don't reciprocate. People believe I'm not supporting them the way they support me, etc. I believe it's easier to say no when you're not as well-known, actually.

The other point: do I reciprocate when a friend asks for something? Let's separate the depth of friendship.

Real (and realish) friends: You mentioned Guy Kawasaki. I consider Guy a friend because we've done many things together over the last few years. I don't call him to complain about the kids, but I do ask him for advice and we share ideas together.

Online friends: I like many people online and appreciate relationships more than fans.

I reciprocate if it makes sense with real friends, provided I can stand behind my decisions. With online friends where I might not know them as much, I'm a little less likely to reciprocate.

Is that fair? I don't know. I think so.

What's your take?

surekhapillai · 5 months ago

hmm...your response to point one is actually surprising. i would have thought if one had say 50k followers, a few taking umbrage at not receiving "support" the way they define it shouldnt really make much of a difference, no? whereas a beginner would need all the support s/he could garner. having said that, i guess the number of those seeking 'favours'/reciprocity would also go up as one accumulates more fans. interesting perspective.

on point two - so you do agree relationships matter. i guess that is the key to reciprocity. build meaningful relationships first. reciprocity would eventually follow. and buying books/subscribing to a feed dont a relationship make. that's my learning, chris. thank you for this discussion.

Chris Brogan · 5 months ago

Relationships are everything, dear lady. Without them, I am nothing.

Debbie Schultz · 5 months ago

The answer is karma. If you believe that what you are doing contributes to the good of everyone else, then there is a balance of karma. Though you may not return exactly what you are given, it all evens out in the end. Keeping score is just silly and immature.

Anita Lobo · 5 months ago

The level of reciprocity [and courtesy] we expect at:

a] an open to public stall at a fair: this is twitter

many will stop and look
a few will talk to you
some will comment and move on with additional info from you
others will promise to drop into your store
meeting you at the fair doesn't allow anyone to invite themselves into your living room!

b] an open-to-public, store that you own

people visiting your store can and do become loyal clients if you serve them well
they spread word about great services you offer
and the friendly store owner who cares about customers and talks to them everyday
anyone can visit your store, but if they misbehave you can and should ask them to leave

c] in your living room, which is open to friends [or friends of friends]

You decide who you want in or not
I also think its advisable not to create an overlap between store clients with personal friends
Its good to be polite and firm about this for your own sanity

This is how I choose my level of reciprocity.

Chris Brogan · 5 months ago

I really like this perspective!

lisahickey · 5 months ago

Business relationships, for the most part, are transactional. Friendships are not.

Fascinating how the lines are being blurred between the two at breakneck speed. You are not the only one trying to figure these things out, and I always appreciate the way you bring these issues to the table, Chris. This very dilemma has led me to conversations that range from in-depth discussions of the meaning of friendship with people I have never met before to conversations with my kids over the inappropriateness of them using air quotes to describe my “twitter friends” to discussions with high-ranking business executives over the implications of such trends on their companies ROI. It’s all pretty cool.

Are we friends because a technological application has labeled us as such? Of course not. Am I guilty of sometimes trying to equate friendship with someone I really just want to have a business transaction with? Yes, guilty as charged – although I try hard not to be that person. On the issue of reciprocity: whether business or friendship, both parties need to agree to have a relationship to begin with. period.

Finally, I’ll just add that try to be as helpful as I can be, knowing that it is both a good business model and a good friendship model. But I refuse to feel awkward when I say “no” to something that doesn’t make sense to me. My friends know this about me. (That said, I can see why you would have in that particular case.) Hope that helps. :)

juliefogg · 5 months ago

Provocative comments to match a provocative post. Your second paragraph reminded me a great deal of the male/female relationship but is also appropriate in a business relationship or platonic relationship as well (I'm dying to make a joke here but have plenty of time to reveal that I sometimes have a crass sense of humor). =D I agree: both parties need to agree to participate. At the beginning and for the long haul. Enjoyed your comments!

leslied · 5 months ago

For me, social media is just an extension of how I would normally conduct myself. The same common sense and reasoning applies. If someone is following me that I see is belligerent, negatively focused, selling something I am clearly not interested in or only in it for the # of followers they have, then I am not going to follow-back. If the person's tweets show sincerity I will follow-back, even if what they focus on isn't my game. It stretches my knowledge, gives me a chance to share info that I wouldn't have known about otherwise and in general, I find makes for a more well-rounded experience. Reciprocating everything isn't viable or sustainable. It muddies the water and the message you're trying to get out. I think authenticity is key; be about what you're about. If someone follows you fine. If you chose not to follow them, fine. FB and Twitter are different critters, as are LinkedIn, etc. Each place has it's own set of criteria that you personally have to determine. You have to set the kinds of boundaries that you comfortable with in whatever platform you're networking in. Don't apologize for doing what you feel is best for you. If it's done unselfishly and politely you've got nothing to lose.

Paul Hebert · 5 months ago

You've hit on a strong social contract - reciprocity. For some info on it check out Cialdini's "Influence" - he talks about how reciprocity is one of those things that - as you've said - puts us in an uncomfortable position - and in many cases we reciprocate in order to remove that uncomfortableness. It is a very strong influence principle and shared worldwide.

Don't feel bad - it's normal and expected - and that's what folks with ulterior motives prey on. As all of the great comments above have said - it's all about relevance and relationships.

Normally reciprocity is good for a social relationship as it helps move the relationship forward. However, when there is no "relationship" to begin with it isn't as big a deal - but our brain can't distinguish and that's why you feel bad.

PS - no relationship to Clay Hebert

beckymccray · 5 months ago

Being in business means saying no, a lot. We've just discussed some of the myriad of requests we all get. There is no way to do it all.

I can never control the reactions of others, but I can continue to improve the way I say no gracefully. Saying no can be a positive thing. It keeps me focused on my business. It frees them up to look for a better match.

There is a whole truckload of advice on how to do this well. Like any other business skill, it takes practice.

hardaway · 5 months ago

Great question. Like you, I face it every day. I finally decided to treat online relationships like I do IRL. For example: I have quit following back on Twitter, am deleting people I followed back in the beginning when Twitter was smaller, and only follow people I have something in common with, know, or post great content that can teach me something. I also have separate accounts for health care (ushealthcrisis) with @Karoli and @azentrepreneurs for my startup conferences.

With Facebook, I friend people I've already met IRL. I accept friend requests but if I don't recognize the name I don't add them to my feed. I have several different lists, too. And I don't become a fan or join a cause except in exceptional cases of true belief.

On LinkedIn, a site I hate, I maintain a public CV and accept connections as a courtesy if I know the people. Very hard to get me to write a recommendation for you, though, even if you write one for me:-) unless I mean it.

These curations and filters allow me to be authentic without relinquishing that joy of discovery or my "privacy."

thank you for forcing me to collate my thoughts around this crucial subject, Chris. I would friend you anywhere:-)

Mossappeal · 4 months ago

I follow @hardaway on Twitter, and read her blog today, which led me back to my Gold Standard, Chris, and this amazing discussion.

I think Francine's blog and quote from it, above, summed it up really well, and made me feel better as a Twitter Toddler, that I have been selective in my following and following back. But I was amused to find myself "hurt" when I dropped about 30 followers in one day without a clue. How could I feel any emotion about that when I pretty much have no idea who most of those tweeps even are? Yet, it's easy to turn it into a popularity contest.
@sanderssays posted a question last week asking if you are "patient enuf to build an organic following via good tweeting & targeted follows? Or do U need social steroids?" I answered I was trying to "go 'organic' all the way. Tortoise and Hare tweeting!"
His reply? "Ambitious!"
Why? I know I as a marketer I should aim for a big, broad following, but I'm going with quality over quantity. For now.
Until I get earn a whole entourage and get a SM S-head. (See my explanation on confusing one's personal brand vs. social media personae: http://mosshysteria.blogspot.com/2009/03/you-mi... )

Dunbarite · 5 months ago

Simple. Cap the number you follow at 150 because you are a Dunbarite. Drop people when they do no longer value to "your" group. This opens space for new follower(s).

see: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dunbar%27s_number

Phil Stanoch · 5 months ago

Why the need to reciprocate? I continue to read about this with regards to social media and relationship building, yet I don't feel the reciprocation builds the relationship. The relationship is built on providing value to my life, and my returning that value in some way.

If you invite me to your group, I am only going to accept it if I feel it will be of value to me. I am not going to accept it because you are "Chris Brogan" and I expect something in return. If I happen to invite you to a group, I should expect you to use the same criteria; is it of value to you or not?

Thank you,
Phil

sedonakathy · 5 months ago

Thank you Chris Brogan!! I posted on my blog yesterday a frustration that I have been having lately on Facebook.

Facebook is my warm, fuzzy place where I want to minimize business transactions to ground zero. But, I want to get to know strangers to see if they might be people who I can befriend or who choose to befriend me.

I use Facebook for friends and family. True, I can set up other groups, but I have other networking sites for those "things". Facebook is where I want to wake up in the AM, grab my coffee, turn on the computer, pull up FB and see what family and friends have been up to.

Your post asks if reciprocation should take place. I say: it depends.

Welcome to my house, if you don't mind taking your shoes off.

Ciao

Karin H · 5 months ago

Hi Chirs

Oh, this is always such an interesting subject to read/write/discuss about. Last year a whole discussion started on my blog about true "givers gain" principle. The comments really added value to the content because it was all relevant and given freely ;-)

I'd like to quote one of those comments I think just nails it (and it resembles what Kevin said too: the joy of giving)
"When one genuinely gives, it is offered as a gift. There are no strings attached. What we find in life is that by offering ourselves in unselfish ways, people sense that there is not an ulterior motive. The satisfaction comes from the act of giving."
(Written by Steve Roesler)

Karin H. (Keep It Simple Sweetheart, specially in business)

PDNcoach · 5 months ago

Social contracts are the issue and, especially in the world of sales, the assumed contract of too many sellers is reciprocal action. Traditional salespeople give to get, which means they aren't really giving at all. Instead, they are taking a unilateral action with the expectation it will cause others to provide the desired response. When the "buyer", who may or may not have ever been in the mind to buy anything, fails to respond as expected, the seller feels cheated. Amazing but all too often, very true.

I do not automatically follow-back on Twitter. I did at one time, but frankly Twitter is full of people selling stuff that does not interest me in the least. And the auto-DM "thank you for following me" messages that immediately try to sell me something are aweful, usually yet another of the "increase your followers by hundreds" scheme that will lock me into a dreaded API quagmire. Further, I have no interest in dating, I am married; I have no interest in real estate, I own my home and love my community with no plans to move; I have no interested in buying sex, not that being married always satisfies that area (hey, I'm a man). However, there are real estate and dating focused Tweeters that I may follow because they have something for a greater common good to contribute, which is my interest.

I do not believe there is some inherent social contract that comes with social media. Tom Collins writes in another comment that he doesn't see relationships in emergent networks as transactional, with which I agree, but isn't sure of the term he would use instead. "Organic" is a useful term when referring to how I prefer to "build my list" of followers and friends, but the descriptor I am looking for in describing the nature of those relationships is transformational, rather than transactional.

Gina Kay Landis · 5 months ago

Hi Chris,

I think it depends on how broad the definition, usability, and portability of information is to the person who's making the decision to follow, join, etc.

Let's say someone who is well-known on Twitter creates a page. I follow them because I like what they say, I am interested, albeit peripherally, in their stated focus, or, I just think they're kinda neat as a person. I may not even partake of their product, yet something about the person interests me enough to follow them, to listen to them, to interact, and to potentially "join" their activities. Someone like Gary Vanerchuk (sp?? @garyvee on Twitter) fits this. I don't drink wine, don't go to wine tastings, have no clue about the difference between this red and that red wine. But for me, someone's vibrancy, business acumen, human-ness, intellect and just-plain "person-hood" entices me to hear what he has to say.

Let's take another look. Let's say I sell real estate (which I do). Let's say someone isn't interested in real estate unless they're doing a transaction, which is the tack a lot of people take. I'm not offended by that. Let's say, however, that there's a broader scope of real estate that has a decided effect on the local economy and even on economies of scale nationally. And, that what I ever say about real estate has its local component, state component, national and even international components. Whatever I say about real estate also has to fit within a number of other scenarios and particular criteria, including my licensure in specific state(s). Now, I do have a "fan" page, and I haven't really "invited" anyone to link to or join it or whatever the phrase is, because I actually just haven't found "inviting" people as such to be something I enjoy. The focus, at that point, appears to be a little too much "about me" versus about listening to others.

Point being, if there is a broad enough reason to have a peripheral interest in someone's industry or, a wider scope of thinking how and what the person has to say could be of value, then that's the criteria I use to follow someone, friend someone, or talk with someone in real life. I could be wrong, but that's how I look at it.

I hope this makes sense!

Gina Kay

Peter Kim · 5 months ago

Things ain't like they used to be, Chris. And that's both a good and a bad thing. I've been thinking about this a lot and it's fascinating to explore how we manage ourselves when pushed to full utilization.

hardaway · 5 months ago

I think you've got it, Peter. Things aren't like they used to be. Here came everybody, and we all got what we wished for. Now we have to deal with it:-) I am with the people who say that curation is the key to the overwhelming amount of content that comes through social media.

John R. Sedivy · 5 months ago

I think it depends on the situation. I have felt this same awkwardness when someone requests that I become a "fan" of a specific group or business. Generally this would happen when I knew the person but had not done business with the new service provider. In the end I decided that my criteria for becoming a fan of a business was to have used the service at one point, was satisfied with the service, and would be comfortable recommending it to a friend.

Bottom line is this - make up your own criteria for joining/friending/fanning and stick to it consistently. If you are consistent in your treatment of others they should not become upset - if they do, they are unjustified, at least in my humble opinion.

Hope this helps!

Ryan Barton · 5 months ago

A "follow" or interaction of any sort can't and shouldn't be perceived as automatic, expected, or deserved.

They -- being whoever decided to freely follow, subscribe, or purchase that I provide -- did it because they found my product of value. It was interesting, it was intriguing, it was relevant.

But just because they felt that about my product, doesn't necessarily mean I'll feel the same about theirs.

It's not because I don't like them as a person, it's not because I'm judging them.

But to automatically believe that because you "put yourself out there" -- into the digital, no handshake world -- you deserve unconditional reciprocity would be incorrect.

I'd like to think I provide valuable information worthy of similar behavior. But that doesn't mean I'm insulted when that doesn't happen. If anything I'm encouraged to keep going -- to work harder to get to that point.

Joining a group, following on Twitter, making a transaction -- it's all earned.

linda m lopeke · 5 months ago

Intimacy, when granted online or in person is evidence of our freedom of choice executed based on feelings of trust and levels of interest. Forced intimacy, in any situation, is evidence of exploitation.

One has the power to fuel our happiness; the other simply leaves us feeling used.

Andy Burkhardt · 5 months ago

I feel there are two types of social media connections: strong and weak. Strong connections are things like a friend on facebook that you know in real life. You share pictures, videos, even your relationship status. Weak connections are like ones on twitter or me following your blog. We're not friends in real life but information is still shared (not quite as personal info but solid info nonetheless.

I think weak connections are very important and can develop into stronger connections. Weak connections allow people to interact without much risk. I can follow someone on twitter, but they don't have to follow back. In facebook or linkedIn you have to mutually agree to be friends.

So I'd say that with weak connections there is no obligation to follow back or join someone's fan page because they joined yours. You can choose which weak connections you want to strengthen if you think there's something cool there or you want to know more.

Timi Stoop-Alcala · 5 months ago

If somebody follows me and I find his/her conversations interesting, I follow back. If not, I don't. I didn't expect you to follow back, but I think this is why social media is wonderful. The rock star can follow the fan. The fact that you did says a lot about the kind of person you are. Now I know why you have a community around you. In the same way, I can 'dare' invite you or converse with you because in the social media ecosystem, the boundaries between a 'somebody' and a 'nobody' are dismantled. If you decline, it'll be ok with me. If I tweet you and you don't respond all the time, it's still ok. But that's because I already have a clear set of expectations, ethics or guidelines in my mind. I guess you just have to do what you can and the majority of the community will understand. On another note: not sure if this is relevant or applicable to you, but maybe some sort of 'delegation' or involvement of other members can help you have more time to address questions, comments, etc. Involving others in the conversation so to speak?...

Susan C Hammond · 5 months ago

I think we need to do what feels authentic for ourselves and our businesses. It won't please all the people all the time but it will please most. You come across as always authentic. This is an unfortunate reaction but it is the other party's problem not yours. Thanks for all that you share with us.

prestontaylor · 5 months ago

So....Does that mean...you WILL or WILL NOT be joining my voltron action figure fan page? j/k Chris...As usual this is a great read.

I think it's important for people who are beginning to engage in social media to know that its not a spamming game nor a mass follow game. Those people are missing the boat. It's not about how many followers you have or how many people are listed on your fan page. Loren Feldman has been preaching this FOREVER!! Wake up people. Don't get your panties in a bunch if someone doesn't follow you. These people simply DO NOT GET IT and it frustrates the piss out of me.

Furthermore, I think people are making a mistake by getting their feelings involved, much like in highschool, where they expect things to happen according to an unspoken list of social rules. Follow me and I'll follow you...

PREPARE FOR BOLD STATEMENT (makes sense to me)

If everyone followed everyone - social media would fail! (agree?)
social media would fail because we wouldn't hear anyone's message.
In two words = Epic Fail

I am very selective with whom I follow. Not because I am a snob, it's because I want to make sure that my channels of communication don't get noisy. And, frankly, a person only has so much time to be an "ACTIVE" part of any one group. So joining hundreds of groups and following everyone who follows you in a gesture of reciprocation doesn't make much sense (which reminds me - I need to do some housecleaning on my facebook account)

What we have to remember is that people follow for several reasons, some good, and others bad. People receive "good" follows from others because they provide value and engage in meaningful conversations. And then there are the "bad" follows from those who want to gain another follow number (which makes them feel/look important), spam their links, and push their agenda.

Chances are somebody is just not interested in your tweets or fan page, and that should be ok. If it's not relevant to their lives it doesn't make sense to follow/join.

People have to remember that if they are not contributing to the conversation or adding any value then they probably will not get a reciprocal follow.

Not sure that I made my point cohesive but I just had to say something about this because Twitter and facebook are getting worse each day with idiots who don't know what they are doing and I personally #BlameDrewsCancer for those who mess up social media.

#LIVESTRONG

Always entertaining Chris. Thanks for getting me fired up this morning.

All my best,
Preston Taylor

philbaumann · 5 months ago

I think much of this simply has to to with the fact that we human beings are emotional and communal: it's natural for us to want our relationships to be reciprocal - even in business activity, our human side can influence our reaction to No.

Of course, reason takes a different approach and understands that not all relationships benefit from reciprocity. I may benefit from following your content, while you don't benefit from mine. In that case, there's really not much economic or social incentive for you to reciprocate. Purely logical beings don't have any problem with this.

But we're social animals and we enjoy reciprocity regardless of the logic behind it.

How do I handle: I tend to reciprocate if the other person offers something of value (even if it's not exactly quid pro quo). I explain my reason, short and to the point, and hope the other person is self-actualized. (Alas, that's not always the case these days, but c'est la vie.)

Kevin Sablan · 5 months ago

I add people to my networks (including "real/physical world" networks) because I value the things that they say or do. I hope that they value my opinions and think of me as a friend as well. That is the only reciprocation I expect. I don't add people because they're irrelevant to my life, and I don't expect them to befriend me if I don't add anything to their lives.

PhilWrzesinski · 5 months ago

Chris, you and I are alike in that we are big fish in our respective ponds (okay, so yours is more of an ocean, mine a comparative puddle). I run a highly successful, nationally known toy store in a small city. I do radio and TV ads, sit on a variety of boards and am highly visible and recognizable throughout the county.

I have a similar situation that arises from time to time as many customers ask me to donate to, lend my name to, or otherwise help out their charitable causes. They justify asking me because of "all the business they have done with our store."

The only negative reviews we have ever received online stemmed from our refusal to donate to someone's cause. With limited resources, we only donate to local charities and organizations that work with families and children, never to individuals, out-of-town causes, or groups that don't fit our mission.

What helps me deal with these situations is two-fold.

First, by being consistent in what we do, our regular customers know and understand exactly where we stand. The negative reviews were quickly retorted by our fans who know us and for what we stand.

Second, as Meg Cabot said, "You're not a hundred dollar bill. Not everyone is going to like you." We quit worrying about the naysayers and focus only on doing what we do to thrill our fans, knowing that we cannot make everyone happy.

You have limited resources. You get to choose where you use those resources. If anything, you could simply make a policy of your own... "Because of limited time and energy, I have to make choices where I reciprocate. Therefore, I will reciprocate only relationships that will bring value to me and my business." or something to that effect. Just by having such a policy may change both the number of requests and types of requests you receive.

Chris Brogan · 4 months ago

I like this mindset. It's actually what I've been thinking most of the last few days. I only have so many hours.

sue_anne · 4 months ago

Phil - I heard from another small business owner (a friend who runs a dessert shop) about a similar interaction with a charity recently. I don't understand it. I will admit that I asked a lot of people for donations to my spring fundraiser. So many that I felt guilty about "spam", but I also know that the only way you can get a yes to ask the question. But, I also understand the economy and that local businesses can't give to everyone that asks. Anyone that sent me a no response received a nice note from me saying thank you for getting back to me and telling them that I understood that they couldn't help us this year, but that I hope they could consider helping us in the future. I also agree that consistency is the key. I encouraged my baker friend to put up a page on their home page detailing their donation policy that she could point people to.

PhilWrzesinski · 4 months ago

Sue Anne, it is sometimes hard to understand, but when I read Chris' post, I could feel his frustration, just as I do when someone threatens my business. The vast majority of requests, however, are from people like you, considerate and understanding. And I understand your/their position. It is tough soliciting for money and geting turned down regularly.

It is the people who expect me to give solely because they shop at my store, and then threaten to take away that business if I don't give that cause the frustration. We are in the business of smiles. And there are no smiles in an encounter like this. Fortunately, because of our policy and because most people are kind and compassionate, these frustrations are few and far between. But reading this post brought them back to the forefront.

jimbrochowski · 5 months ago

I've been trying to get to this discussion all day. Who says Saturdays aren't busy.

This is a great post Chris, and I love the discussion it fosters.

I've had an email sitting in my inbox for more than two weeks now from a new blogger who wants to "exchange links," as he finds my blog enjoyable. My conundrum was that while I want to help out the new blogger and give him some traffic, I don't really see the connection (of any kind) between our blogs in subject matter or otherwise and I don't want to mislead my readers - but I don't want to discourage the beginner.

(As an aside, even being asked seemed strange as I've not been doing this very long myself, only about a year or so and as Chris points out - it takes a much longer time to build readership.)

But then I have this rule: "Don't pitch me if I don't know you." His email is like that DM you get. "Thanks for the follow - read my blog..." and that just turns me off.

Still I was conflicted.

Reading the discussion today, I feel a lot better about finding a way to handle that situation without being the bad guy as it were.

So thanks everybody for that!

juliefogg · 5 months ago

I'm a huge proponent of quid pro quo when it's good for everyone. Your example of someone in real estate and you: not a great fit since you already stated that your only interest in real estate is linked to transactions. On the other hand, since it seems that person is trying to increase their social capital by riding your coat tails, why not charge a premium to join the social networking site? Your participation in anything at this point is still advertising, paid or pro bono.

I appreciate the topic - the next time someone tries to rope me into something I don't like or care about and cites quid pro quo, I will just direct them to this post. ;)

@juliefogg

p.s. I signed with my #SecretFightClub bread crumb trail lol!

Jeffrey Kafer VO · 5 months ago

You should only feel bad about the "I'll still buy your book" guy if you asked him to buy your book and he's doing it as a favor to you. Otherwise, he's getting reciprocation. He's buying the book and giving you money. To reciprocate, you're giving him the content in the book which he will use and get value from.

And if you were to reciprocate again and buy his book simply out of guilt, you'd be behind, because chances are, you're not getting the same kind of value if it's not a book you're interested in.

Carol Bory · 4 months ago

In the real world when we network at events we share a bit about ourselves, our business, and possibly how we may be able to help the other person. After the brief conversation, we shake hands and may even exchange our business cards in the event we want to connect again. At a store or coffee shop, or even our office, most times we are greeted with a Hello or Good Morning. These actions while they reflect the social norms of etiquette, also serve to acknowledge the other person. It is an exchange that invisibly says: I acknowledge your existence. You matter to me; not because of the job you perform or the value you provide, but because you are an individual.

In social media because the availability and volume of interactions multiplies several times over, I sense how we acknowledge others and what constitutes “social” will evolve and be redefined. How we transverse between the two spheres of “social” will, in part, define the social norms of etiquette.

In the interim, I like your idea of sharing our “outposts” to current connections and to people who may want to connect with us. It let’s them know how we can best engage with them in one-way or two-way conversations.

lindajohannesson · 4 months ago

I think there's a subtle difference between reciprocal behaviour and overall karmic balance. I will always try to be as honest and polite online as offline in both my giving and taking. But, as in the offline world, I may give energy and effort to some things of interest and take from others.I don't expect to get just because I give. All in all it balances out. I don't believe in quid pro quo for every transaction or relationship, but I do believe to achieve overall balance you've got to give a little to get a little. And let's face it, we all like to get a little!

anniegirl1138 · 4 months ago

Sometimes I join because I want to show support for someone's interests or projects. Sometimes I decline because I don't have the time or interest to be truly supportive.

I follow people who seem interesting. I friend people who are family, work related or am actually friends with.

I would hope people read my writing and visit my blogs because they are interested and not because they feel obligated.

YannR · 4 months ago

This is exactly why I don't participate in FollowFriday. There's an implicit feeling that you have to quid pro quo and thank the people who FF you. This is the difference between a exchange and a transaction. I believe the 'awkward feeling' you're referring to quid pro quo has push you to a transaction stage (but you didn't know the price or terms of the transaction) If someone exchange, they shouldn't do to get something back.

Cindy C. · 4 months ago

Tough call. Not having read all the comments yet (I try to give my first reac w/o others' influence), I'd say a definite maybe. I understand what you're saying and in some cases would totally agree. However, there's the side of me that says "do unto others as you want them to do unto you". However, if you think about it, even that could support your response. Would I want someone to follow me JUST BECAUSE I followed them? Probably not. I have been myself, though, and find I get irritated by some tweets. I tend to follow people (especially at first) because they seem interesting and I'd like to get to know them. Do I wish they would follow back? Obviously. Would I not buy their book, if they didn't? Not likely...if the book's good. ;)

Great post! Thought provoking.

tombunzel · 4 months ago

Moral bookkeeping is a lose-lose in the real world and so it is online.
Hard as it is to learn, if we don't do stuff in alignment with what we believe and want, we will be resentful and that helps no one. If things are meant to come around, they will. Too many shoulds in the world. Hard lesson for me but one I am working on, again in the real world and online.

sue_anne · 4 months ago

Chris,

My feeling with online social media interactions is that too many focus on the quantity and not enough people focus on the quality of their interactions / followers. I know that it's directly related to a donation, but @childfund's constant mentioning of their number of followers and requesting more followers is really annoying. And, I told them so on Friday. People are so focused on building that number of "fans" on Facebook, that they're not realizing that the interaction is so much more important.

Instead of pestering you to become a fan of his Facebook site, the guy expecting the quid pro quo should instead be using that energy on finding fans that would actually be interested in engaging him in a business transaction.

monika hardy · 4 months ago

gosh - expecting reciprocal behavior smacks in the face of the value of relationships.
the value is in the giving. if we're worried about what we're receiving - we're missing it.
and catering to our wish is more of a disservice - it's reinforcing the false pleasure of receiving.

nice post. thanks to all for sharing insight.

@Takuya_Hikichi · 4 months ago

It's more awkward to unfollow someone you know but don't like her updates. I ended up doing it after seeing this person as the "only one" showing up on my Twitter page because she tweets every other minute. I couldn't see anyone else's tweets. After all, it's only Twitter and if someone has a problem with it,

fabiolr · 4 months ago

we should't excpect reciprocity. it is crap. if you have more insights, ideas, experiences, or simply more content than most people, it is natural you will have kore followers. you shouldn't follow back everyone, just whoever you are interested. if you are not interested in me, I don't want you to follow me, i don't care actually if you follow me. i follow you not because you follow me, but because i have a selfish interest in what you say. this "etiquette" you mention is insane, forget about it. just follow whoever you find interesting and are able to keep up with.

christinakatz · 4 months ago

This is an interesting issue and it's one I encounter about ten times a day. Your entire book, "Trust Agents," in fact, talks about building and leveraging trust and that seems to me to be at the crux of this issue. It's likely that when someone follows you or friends you, they know you. They have either heard of you or they can quickly get up to speed. And yet, you may be at a much bigger disadvantage when trying to learn about others. And when would you find the time to get up to speed with a high volume of people in a short span of time? It's tricky, right?

Here's the thing, for me. I don't only need to trust people. Trust comes last. I need to:
A. Know them or at least know of them
B. Like them or at least know others who like them enough that I know that they think I would also like the person
C. And then have rapport with the person that leads to eventual trust

So, for me, if I invite you to read Get Known and you say, Wow, hey, thanks. Now can you read my/join my/etc. etc.
That depends. Do I...
A. Know you...?
B. Like you...?
C. Trust you?
If none of the above, it's very unlikely that I will read/join/etc. your thing. At least not the first time around. You never know, in the meantime, I might get to know you, get to like you, and get to trust you. And if I do. I will.

I trust my gut, and it takes a lot more than smooth social networking to get past my gut. It takes trust. Which for me = respect. And I almost never lose respect for someone once I come to respect them b/c I don't give away my respect cheaply. I also expect that the onus is on me to earn others' respect.

For me, that's keeping things real...online and anywhere else.

Thanks for asking, Chris!

Jamie Favreau · 4 months ago

In some situations I would expect reciprocity but if you don't have common interests then I don't think you should join everything on the planet.

I was trying to friend my cousin on facebook to jump start a friendship but she isn't working with me. We aren't very close and I saw this as an opportunity to be involved in each other's lives.

I also don't understand on Twitter when someone start's DMing you and doesn't follow you back? OK then don't DM someone. I am ok with you NOT following me just don't DM me.

People are fickle and you can't please everyone all the time. You just learn from the experiences and move on!

andreivanchuk · 4 months ago

.

Monique Wade Sno · 4 months ago

I think the you should question the motives of this person that piped back at you. Did they really want to get to know you in the first place? Probably not. If you are networking online, I think it's interesting to ponder if you would truly, eventually want to meet in-person. I don't autofollow anymore because I want to build quality relationships, and meaningful interactions.

The whole idea of reciprocity reminds me of a story. . .
A friend of mine was having a terrible time with her allergies and needed a little extra to work with her neti pot. I went by the natural foods store and picked up some Golden Seal extract for her and brought it to her house. Soon as I came over and gave it to her, she's like rumaging through her purse trying to find some cash to reimburse me for the extract. I said to her, "What are you doing?" She's like, "I'm looking for some money to give you." I said, "Why I never said I wanted any money for this. Why can't I give you something without expecting something in return and that be acceptable?" I think the same thing applies in social media give for the joy of giving. Share for the joy of sharing.

andreivanchuk · 4 months ago

The problem is that we've set our emotions on a throne and made them King.

"Don't offend, always reciprocate, be politically correct, neutralize the deposition, etc." – these prerequisites govern the everyday thoughts, speech, and behaviors of so many people online and offline.

And God forbid that we not adhere to the selfish guidelines of “for every action there should be an equal reaction” within social circles – or else people start acting like a bunch of five-year-olds when their expectations are not met.

Here’s a simple solution to those who cannot accept a “no”
1. Reset your expectations
2. Stop acting like a child
3. De-throne your emotions

maria green · 4 months ago

Really?? I mean you really don't know? What would it actually cost you to become a fan of this club? Would it be against your moral conscious to have it set on a side bar in your profile so that others who net-work with you will see it? If it doesn't cost you anything in moral distractions or in actual time spent then why not add to your network and help someone else along? I could see a reason for you to quiver if it meant that you were to spend any amount of time other than the microsecond it would take to push "accept". Why is it so difficult to understand the bottom line in social networking?

Peter Mis · 4 months ago

Chris,

The reason I use Twitter is that I hope to connect with people from whom I can learn something. If they find my content of value, I'd love for them to follow me back.

I am extremely new at Twitter, but I can see that ego looks like it's a huge factor to many of the Twitter users. Apparently, importance in the Twitter world is tied to the number of people following or being followed. The more of either, the more important the person believes themselves to be. Newbies like me were at first impressed with large numbers of followers following certain people; I soon discovered that quantity has nothing to do with quality.

I am a member of several groups and organizations, but will only join in if I feel I can make a contribution and make the group stronger. If I can't, then I won't. It has ruffled some feathers, but if the goal is to make the group as strong as possible, logic dictates that I am not the one to join the group if I can't make it better.

I would imagine that having you in a group would add a certain cache to the group. You joining the real estate group suddenly makes it a more important group, having attracted a member who has over 87,000 people following him. That makes it much easier to recruit other to join the group, with your membership serving as a de facto endorsement of the group. If the group's juvenile response to your turning them down is any indication of the group's leadership, that alone should make you feel good about your decision not to reciprocate.

Even if he does buy your book.

Peter Weissenstein · 4 months ago

Chris -
I think that since the 1980's many people do expect 'quid pro quo' and don't get the concept of what the internet was meant to be. Whether it is fair to "blame" it on business with the idea of "Hey - here's something new - let's monetize it" or accept that as part of the natural shakedown of a new-ish technology or subset is always the question. Those of us who want to do something with more of the "pay it forward" mentality or the idea of doing for the sake of doing and not with the idea of "what's in it for me?" are rarer than we'd like to believe. It's just that we seem to all come together in groups and meet - whether at conferences like 140 or by interacting online. Good discussion to have over coffee when I come to Boston or if you make it out to Springfield or the Berkshires. I for one am trimming down my FB contacts only to people I have met or interacted with. LinkedIN I am an open networker (and a lot of my LinkedIN contacts have friended me on FB. I posted on my FB account recently that I'm doing housecleaning and so far have trimmed quite a few. Now I'm down to the ones where I have to research to see who all our mutual friends are. Twitter - I follow those that interest me and if it's information overload or my interests change I stop following them - but I don't block anyone from following me. If they are that interested by what I have to say so be it!

pamcourt · 4 months ago

Interesting question. Social media has removed a lot of the barriers of traditional networking and we are still discovering the new rules and etiquette to follow. Having you, rather than me as a member, would certainly add more of a credibility factor to the invitee. Ah, but you did say it isn't all about you. I usually say yes to an invite if it fits what I have an interest in or adds value not because there is a need to reciprocate. I have experienced sending out an invite that is not accepted, but I don't take it personally.

Do you ever thing about how it could dulute or compromise your personal brand?

mikemyatt · 4 months ago

Hi Chris:

I don't follow everyone who follows me, buys my books, attends my webcasts, subscribes to my blog, etc. I've always viewed following someone as a "choice" and not a "requirement". I appreciate all those who follow me, and do what I can to add value through our interactions, but this doesn't necessarily mean that I'll always follow back.

Suzanne Vara · 4 months ago

Chris

You bring up such an interesting point here which has sparked a lot of comments.

My take on this is that people tend to treat social media differently than traditional media, as it relates to relationships. In the real world would you be friends with over 50K people. Not likely. Even in social media can you ever really relate and engage with that many people?

When we meet people face to face we can get a vibe off them and make the decision to continue a conversation/relationship. Social media most of the time does not give that immediate vibe. The media tends to sensationalize social media and base who your credibilty by how many people are your followers.

Expecting something in return is a first class ticket to nowhere. I think that when you expect back you almost lose respect for the person and sight of why you did it in the first place. If we go through life doing for others and expecting something back defeats the purpose of ever doing anything for anyone.

Just my take. Great thought provoking post!

Suzanne Vara/Lvadgal

ajmunn · 4 months ago

Nice Chris, you have inspired some wonderful comments, great further reading suggestions and interesting discussions with tis post. It is interesting how different social networks have different rules and personalities. Added to every-ones own unique motivators, personalities and objectives, the lines blur.
Shared values and norms are strong within a family. The shared connections are still strong within communities getting weaker as we expand out to different socio-economic groupings, culture, belief systems etc. Amongst other things, our frame of reference changes. Today's connected world changes the dynamic and brings together a myriad of cultures, beliefs and individuals, each with their own frames of reference.
I love the general theme here of being true to yourself, your values and your objectives, while still respecting the rights and opinions of others. Respecting those rights and opinions does not mean you have to agree with them, or follow them just as they should respect your right to choose not to.

Kevin Palmer · 4 months ago

There is a little more to consider than just reciprocal behavior here. I think there are other layers that we need to look at, specifically your fame and following versus theirs.

First we have to consider your social level in this transaction and what you wanted from this person.

You are Chris Brogan, you have massive social proof that you should be listened to based off of members of that page, twitter, subscribers, etc. You have achieved some level of fame in this space (deservedly so) and are well liked. When you ask people to join a page they are going to for the most part even if they might not have time to participate on it or even have that much interest in it because of who you are.

When the person joins this is going to be a pretty one sided relationship. Sure you invited them to that page because you think they will gain from it BUT the purpose of the page is to essentially promote a book. By him/her joining the page it notifies his/her followers/friends and you may pick up more people because of that which leads to more people following the page. (Which will conceivably lead to more book sales.)

On the other hand you have someone without the social proof, following, or level of fame you have. They extend the invitation to their page to you, which you have no interest in. You combine your lack of interest with their lack of social proof and you have a situation where you aren't going to follow it.

You cut off their ability to get their page noticed by your friends and the relationship can be perceived as rather one sided. They are either going to become upset, understand the situation, or not care either way. In your case this situation is probably happening dozens to possibly hundreds of times a day. What can you do about it, how can you handle it?

If you have a follower that retweets every one of your posts or joins whatever group/page you want them to and then they ask you to retweet something because they have been a loyal follower and have promoted everything you have put out there do you on some level owe them? If you do that for one person are you going to do that for everyone that comes calling? How much time is this going to consume? If you refuse do you start to look self centered? Does it damage your relationship with them or their followers?

Your fame and standing in this space has a major impact in this conversation, it is totally different than how someone with 120 followers has to deal with because of the sheer amount of people you would have to deal with. How you interact with people when you have 60 followers versus 60,000 follower is vastly different. The thing is when you grow and get to that size relationships turn more one sided, more broadcast oriented, and it is hard for people with that small following to understand that your ability to interact with them is vastly different with their ability.

I think it is a much tougher situation than just the question of reciprocating or not.

Chris Brogan · 4 months ago

But if it doesn't interest me, do I fake follow it so that I won't look like a snob? That doesn't seem fun/fair/reasonable. It's also non sustainable.

Thoughts?

Danny Brown · 4 months ago

Wouldn't this (fake follow being unfair) be the same as following everyone using an automated tool like SocialToo, and then unfollowing afterward when you realize they're not your mix? Someone gets notified they have a new follow, only to realize afterward it was automated. Which then makes them fell less "interesting"?

Peter Weissenstein · 4 months ago

Chris - I think that fake following would be tantamount to hiring someone to do all your tweets or your blog in your name. You aren't being a snob since you did not ask them to follow you in the first place. If anyone is concerned about the person's feelings I suppose you could always have a "boilerlplate I'm sorry but at this time I am not able to follow you back" template that you can go to their page and post or, a more senstitive way of doing it, might be to put something on the About Me section of your Twitter home page stating that you do not follow everyone back and while no offense is meant you are selective about whom you follow because of the amount of information you receive. The reality is that you don't need to read 10000 retweets of the same thing although that happens once in a while. Just FWIW.

Wild_Scotsman · 4 months ago

The answer is, "NO". If people make the conscious choice to "follow" you on twitter or any medium they do so out of their own interest. If they are looking to gain some kind of validation than they need to do the due diligence to gain such validation (if possible) but realize that it is not guarenteed.

For example:
I can get a gym membership but after one year not look any different. The act of getting the membership does not change my level of fitness or make me a world class bodybuilder. I can work out for a year and become more fit but still not be a bodybuilder, however, I may get to know everyone at the gym. I have achieved my goal of becoming a more healthy person.

If a person follows your lead, buys your books, and attends the seminars they may never be a guru or get your validation, however, they might be more prosperous and be seen as a success in the circles they travel.

Cheers,

Jeff

Kevin Palmer · 4 months ago

I totally agree that it isn't fair/fun/reasonable. It seems like a situation where you can't win on a few levels. On the one hand if people see their relationship as being one sided with you because you don't always have that personal interaction with them or aren't "returning the favor" then you can be perceived as selfish.Then on the other hand if you just blindly join and do whatever to please people you not only waste your time but your interaction stops being genuine. (wow look Chris is a fan of 150,000 facebook pages!!)

Neither situation is really fair or honestly even what you are doing but it is possibly the perception on some level. The reason this perception comes about is because I think that people have THEIR use of social media as a knowledge base and place the same standards, morals, and objectives onto you or other large people which is unfair.

I've personally run into this on certain social networks and have seen other people run into it. I think what happens is that the people that have the larger profile and the following have to sacrifice the potential reaction on either side by using the tool the way THEY want to and how THEY are going to enjoy it. I think you are pretty transparent in explaining how you use these sites but perhaps people need to be educated on the differences between how you use the tools now versus how you used them years ago.

I just find this interesting because there are so many levels to this. You have public perception, relationships, logistics, attitude, philosophy, and popularity issues all rolled into one situation.

Achim · 4 months ago

Chris, that's a tough and multi-faceted one :-)

A major challenge in the online world is that we can't use many of our senses in determining whether we like a person or not. In the 'real' world we do that with our eyes (do we like what we see?), with our ears (do we like what we hear - the content as well as the voice itself?) and to a certain degree with our nose (do we like what we smell?). Furthermore we have learned to subconsciously decode body language. This often happens before we actually start a conversation to get to know the person and find out whether we're on the same wavelength.

Online we can't use these senses: We can only look at profile pictures, we can't really listen, we don't smell a thing and can't decode body language. We have a problem = our traditional decision matrix is pretty empty.

What do we do? We look for other sets of information to help us decide: Do we have friends in common? Do we share interests? Are we in the same groups? Some people try the 'follow me, follow you' (Wasn't that a big Genesis hit in the late 70ies??) approach. Still we have the uncomfortable feeling of not being able to trust our own judgment 100%, as this is a trial and error process. Invitations to join groups or causes are part of that process. We should look at it as a possibility to find out more about the person we 'think' we might like and not be offended if that person turns down the invitation. After all we got to know that person a bit better by finding out something that he/she is obviously not interested in - i.e. the topic of our invitation. It doesn't mean that the person doesn't like us, it doesn't mean that we have nothing in common. It just means that one particular topic is not as high on his/her priority list as it is on ours. Nothing wrong with that.

Relationships are not established in seconds or minutes, not even online. We need to give it time: time to find out more about the real person, time to learn about his/her priorities.

Achim

dbifulco · 4 months ago

Great, thought provoking post - thanks!

I subscribe to the theory, and always have, that when you are generous in supporting others, your generosity will be repaid in some way, at some time, and not necessarily directly. The criteria I use is simple - if you are doing something that I think is cool, worthwhile, interesting, etc - I am going to share it with other people. And, I won't be watching for the "return" favor - that's not the way to play the game of life, in my opinion. And, frankly, I don't have time to keep "score" - too many other interesting things out there that I want to read about, learn, share...

williamarruda · 4 months ago

Hi Chris,

It seems for some, social media is about quantity and not quality. They want to have the most Facebook friends or the largest following on Twitter. So if they follow you and you don't follow them back or they sign up for your newsletter and you don't reciprocate, they feel they are missing out on the opportunity to increase their followers by one.

It is important to remember in networking (whether virtual or real) quality trumps quantity. It's hard to focus on quality relationships when you hear that Oprah and Ashton Kutcher are in a race to get the most Twitter Followers, but we all have to focus on our target audiences and build strong connections with those who are truly interested in what we have to offer.

Best.
William
www.williamarruda.com

Chris Brogan · 4 months ago

To me, the only number I care about is "how many people are here to actually build a relationship?"

Shel Horowitz · 4 months ago

I use different guidelines in different media. In FB, I'll accept almost any friend request that has reasonable content on the profile page, try to figure out why they friended me, and categorize into a friend list such as marketer, environmentalist, actual friend, etc.

In Twitter, where I can't keep up with the people I'm already following, I don't auto-follow back. I don't want to clutter my feed with posts that don't interest me. I follow when I see interesting RTs, sometimes from follow Friday links form people I trust. And every week I do try to visit a few profile pages of people following me, and I follow about half of those. But if someone's page is all about e.g., online gaming, which doesn't interest me at all, won't follow even if the content is high-quality...because it's not relevant for me. If they choose to unfollow, so be it. I like to think people follow me because I provide genuine value, and not just to get their numbers up.

This is really an extension of the mindless crosslink campaigns that have gone on for years. I have a template email response to these folks; if they meet the criteria I outline and point it out in a follow-up email, they get the link. Maybe 1 in 30 actually do this.

Chris Brogan · 4 months ago

Ah yes, crosslinks. I remember the days. You don't (at least I haven't) hear about those as much these days. Are they still alive but hidden from view?

Kelly · 4 months ago

I get at least a request or two a week. If I don't know them (which is 100% of them, so far) I toss them straight to spam. Ick.

Alysson · 4 months ago

This is a tricky question for many, as we have to be careful not to inadvertently alienate people in the online arena. However, it's also very important to choose carefully those with whom we associate ourselves online. That's no less an important decision online than it is in real life.

I wrote a post specific to the subject of Twitter following a while back (http://www.seoaly.com/twitter-follow-policy/) that received responses ranging from "I completely agree..." to "You're an elitist snob...".

I use the analogy of associating with known criminals. If the police see you day in and day out surrounding yourself with known felons, the chances of them believing you're engaged in some criminal activity goes up exponentially - whether you are or not is somewhat irrelevant...that's the perception. And, for many, their perception is the only reality they will ever know.

Timothy Carter · 4 months ago

Hey Chris, when it comes to Facebook, you'll come to find to not feel awkward about it & get used to ignoring or declining requests because Facebook gives people the opportunity to basically spam invite people. There are many people out there who have taught that on Facebook, the more people you invite, the more people will join.

I only join groups that I think will be of value to me personally and will only invite people to places that I think will be of value to them to be a part of.

But an even better thought is create a fan page for yourself and use your personal FB profile for your personal connections. The fan page give you a bit more flexibility on doing stuff than your personal page...PLUS, the added bonus of not getting invited to all the groups, apps, events, etc.

Fran Toolan · 4 months ago

Chris,

in this 'new' social networking world, I don't believe that because someone follows you, or asks you to be their friend, or asks you to join a group that you necessarily have to. I certainly don't think you need to feel guilty about saying 'no'.

Let me put it to you this way... are the people asking for your connection going to be trust agents? if not, then i think it's perfectly fine to say no.

you are certainly feeling valid anxiety as these people are or could be "customers" or "readers", and no one wants to piss them off. However, your personal integrity and network is more important.

I - who have very little following - have turned down many requests from people I do not know. I almost never follow people on twitter who follow me - unless I know them, or they have RT'd something, or responded to one of my tweets (and I thought it was worthwhile).

you will notice that I've never expected you to "friend" me, or follow me, even though we have many overlapping interests and live within 5 miles of each other.

don't worry about sychophants or people who want to use your own hard earned rep as their own. good luck.

mgeorgieva · 4 months ago

We definitely expect reciprocal behavior. As the number of social networks and groups out there grows, however, people will start getting more selective. If I cannot contribute value to a network, why be in it?

ceedee20 · 4 months ago

The idea of "quid pro quo" must show an agreement or understanding of mutual and equal benefit. There is also the matter of choice. If the benefit is not mutual, then why does there need to be such an agreement?

In your statement Chris, if you had too much going on or have spread yourself too thin at the time to commit to yet another social media vector, the other party needs to respect that decision and not be passive-agressive in chiding you for declining. IMHO, that shows a the selfish nature of that person's request in the first place. This leads me to believe that in fact, if you had accepted the invitation, your agreement would not have been truly "Quid pro quo" at all. Perhaps that individual was interested more in the cache of your name if associated with this new social media vector and not really interested in a mutual and equal exchange of ideas.

Jeffrey · 4 months ago

The interaction you describe depends on two points of view - yours and his. There is no right or wrong in this world - some people work very well giving and taking one for the other. Whereas - evidence may suggest the better relationship is to give without expecting anything in return whether you talk about Seth Gordon's permission marketing, a parent to a kid or any of our holy figures. Its true though - not feeling guilty when someone has done something for you is not an easy thing to get over. Perhaps you forget - did you expect him to buy your book? If he didn't would you think any less of him? Depending on your point of view you have an answer. In the end, I say stick to your guns - there is no way of pleasing everyone in this world - if you try you will need your laptop to keep track of all the ways you need to change in order to satisfy someone else..yikes. Good luck and thanks for the post.

MSchechter · 4 months ago

Great post and I see a lot of this lately. It is almost becoming like link swapping (I'll fan your page if you fan mine). That being said, I think it is OK to say no as long as you don't mind or get frustrated that people are asking. I assume you get this a lot as people are likely not always asking you to be interested in their product, but more interested in how they use social tools for products that are likely outside your interest level.

I am fairly sure I suggested you become a fan of our page (not because I think you have immense interest in pearls, but because hopefully one day we manage to do something different enough in our promotion to capture the attention of people who do what you do). That being said, it made perfect sense that it wasn't of interest for you and could never fault you or anyone for that. It is often our job to ask and your right to say no. FB calls them Page Suggestions for a reason.

Anyone who would fault you for that is just asking too much!

P.S. I will still buy your book (no parting shot intended, just fact)

martyglover · 4 months ago

Chris,

I will say upfront I am writing this wihtout reading all of the comments. I believe one of the larger problems with social media (and the new communication paradigm???) is that people do not respect who they are interacting with as they would ahve to on the ohone or in person. If you called me on the phone and suggested Trust Agents might be useful to me I would explore the possibility and either accept or decline to engage in buying the book or discussing the concept.

At that point, I might suggest you could find value in one of our Enterprise 2.0 webinars and you might do the same. I would have NO expeectation you would tell all of your friends about our webinar, as you would have no expectation that I would buy your book if I found the ssubject matter unhelpful (not the case).

Exchange completed, no false expectations. In social media, the exchange goes like this. You post a link, Facebook page and Twitter about Trust Agents. Many people retweet, go to the Facebook page, comment on how great the concept is and, perhaps, buy the book, or not, for no reason other than to accrue the goodwill. They have now, in their mind, established a quid pro quo relationship that you will take their next tweet, Facebook page announcement or webinar/book announcement and forward it etc.

Why? Because we teach them that's how it's done. Participate, retweet, provide value, and others will reciprocate. Whether it is 100 or 1 million followers they all expect that mutual support for what is important to them, not what is important to you.

A rude monster, lacking the civility created by true intimacy, perpetuated by relative anonymity, focused on "me".

Tanya Marcy · 4 months ago

It's amazing how many people expect equal treatment/exchange on the Internet, isn't it? I think in the beginning, we all tend to fall into that trap (I know I started to). But then I thought - wait a minute, do I really expect someone I friend/follow to do the same for me?

Then it got me thinking...it's not really a matter of "Oh, this person doesn't like me" or something of that sort, and we can certainly choose to get stuck in that mentality, but I like to think it's more of a "what can this person do for me?"

If I follow/friend someone on a social media site, it's because they have something (or are someone) that appeals to me - a music/artist band that livens up my day, a friend I've known for a long time, an actor/artist/writer/comedian/insert other profession here that speaks to me...in some way, whether small or big, I've made them a part of my life. But, and people need to really think about this - does that necessarily mean that I am a part of their life?

Maybe, maybe not. But I find sticking to this mindset is what keeps feelings from getting hurt. And who knows? Maybe in the future you'll become part of their life.

Really great point to bring up though. Keeps you thinking. :)

aboucherfuse · 4 months ago

And then there's the question of obligation to those following. I've recently had many people start following me after I re-tweeted some particular items. I now feel a strange obligation to stick to this type of topic so as to not offend my followers. As a PR consultant, I have a number of clients in a wide variety of sectors and would like to be posting articles and info about any and all of those sectors, yet I feel I might disappoint. How are other consultants dealing with this? Multiple user names?

shainemata · 4 months ago

This is where social media etiquette falls apart in my opinion. You reach a point of popularity where you are beyond the transactional realm and become a broadcast medium. While this is good for business, it forces you to play favorites with your time.

You would not expect celebrities, for example, to follow back every single one of their followers. It would be insane and pointless. Nobody expects the reciprocation because of the volume of followers they have.

Similarly, you could not meaningfully join everybody's network, because a) you would not have the time for it and b) it may be outside your area of interest.

Let's say you live to age 75. Presumably you spend one third of that sleeping, which gives you 50 years of consciousness. That yields 18250 days. If you spend five hours per day on each of your 88000 followers, you'd eventually get around to each one. Of course, this excludes family time, vacation, days when you unplug, and days you actually get work done.

The point being, anybody who expects you to sign up for every network and be a meaningful contributor has unrealistic expectations. Don't feel bad; you would not have brought any value to the network if you weren't going to engage.

nathanwburke · 4 months ago

Chris,
Good post and I've asked the same question myself. It seems like there's an imbalance in relative value at play here. Before I dive in, I'm going to preface my comment with the fact that I have no answers and don't know what I'm talking about. But here goes.

1. The value of one fan- I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that your fan page has more fans than the real estate company's page. With that said, the value of each additional fan on your page is far less than the relative value of additional fans of the real estate company.

Additionally, I think it is fair to say that a public follow from someone with many connections (which can be seen by all his friends) is much more valuable, as friends may see a follow as an endorsement and join themselves.

So in this case, the expectation of reciprocity is really an expectation of a social "profit".

2. Free gestures vs. Paid gestures- It's amazing how much our perception of value changes when money is involved. When a person buys a product from someone, there's something beyond the cash exchange at stake.

Forget about examples in a market economy for a second. Think of the last child's birthday party you went to. When it was time to stuff money in the card, I'd be willing to bet that you gave the same amount as was given to your kid.

When money is involved, the concept of reciprocity seems to be introduced unconsciously. So when this person made the "I'll still buy your book comment", it's almost like they're saying:

"I'm hurt by the fact that you're not going to lend your name and association with my page even if it has no value to you. But I'm bigger than that. I will still continue to give you my hard-earned money for your wares. I know that it's incredibly hard to make one additional mouse click, Mr. Internet Celebrity Guy. I mean, I spend my money and all I ask for is a couple of clicks. But hey, it's not going to bother me."

The idea is that the exchange of money for the product isn't exactly a fair trade in the buyer's opinion, and that there's an expectation: Since the person parting with $$ is giving more than fair value in the deal, the seller has an obligation to do something more for the buyer if possible.

The bottom line is that some people will expect reciprocity ALL the time. Others will complain about everything you do or say. Still others will love everything you do and will never ask for anything.

We're interesting animals.

jrep · 4 months ago

I think this is a collision between
- the "biologically wired" idea that social interactions always have both an overt purpose (buying groceries, liking hats) and a subtext of building community
- the "technologically wired" idea that social interactions have only overt meaning, and further that their bandwidth overload demands aggressive filtering

I think there's substance in both those ideas, and the collision and incompatibility are real. In choosing how to respond to things like this, we're choosing where we fall on the "biological to technological" continuum. We really do have to make the choice (even I do, at 250 followers, let along you at 45k!). It really is a choice between biological and technological community. I suspect the necessary advice is "try to be as biological as you possibly can, because otherwise the technological/utilitarian will steal your soul."

EricUngs · 4 months ago

As your social media presence rises, I think it’s as simple as this:

Accept offers that will benefit your experience or offers that are most valuable to you.

You reached out to an individual to join your FB group for Trust Agents because you saw value and direction in it for them. If you had a side passion for real estate you would have accepted that invite because it’s another opportunity to gain valuable knowledge where your passion resides.

Thanks for the social media etiquette post.

Eric

Amy Shropshire · 4 months ago

I think that sometimes we do take these things too seriously. We like to feel wanted, needed and when someone tells us that we just aren't interested in them, we sometimes hear that as they don't like us. I know that what I have to say may not be interesting to everyone but what they have to say might be interesting to me. I change my mind about what is interesting and I'm sure others do too. That being said, I can't say that I don't take a moment's pause when someone deletes me from Facebook (Twitter follower count I don't really pay attention to) because I like to think of that as a closer community with people with whom I've established relationships.

It's a tough decision to decide when is quid pro quo not the best choice, but hopefully you'll be better for the decision...

♥ Kimberly Bock ♥ · 4 months ago

the norm from what i can see is most popular marketers want to BE followed but do not know how to be friends in return. its all business, no friendship or reciprocation unless it's of benefit to them. a threat to societal welfare as a whole. we were already disconnected from one another as caring human beings. now disconnection from humanity is at an all time high. in the online world, sadly enough, business wins humankind loses once more. ya got money, traffic and a crappy tomorrow. congratulations.

Tuija · 4 months ago

Why would you follow people on Twitter any less discriminately than you'd do on Facebook or LinkedIn? In fact, why would you "befriend" anyone you don't want to, in any circumstance?

Bryna · 3 months ago

I think it really has to do with picking and choosing the moments when we can/will help others--especially those who are new to the field, but have a genuine heart to give back to others ;) I appreciate this post, because it's something I struggle with. Shameless self-promotion gives me a migraine (even when I'm shamelessly promoting myself). I find when I tie it in to a bigger cause, usually a charity for me, then I feel better about putting myself out there.

I get that it's not all about me. A trip to Africa in February of this year really hammered that home. I've never been so impressed upon to help others with the meager means I have (be they financial or through the use of my social media accounts).

But that's why I love being in PR--sometimes I get the opportunity to give without getting anything in return. Really, isn't that the best reason. It's not all about us, and what we can get. Sometimes an exchange of time/money/twitter status is just a gift. I like giving gifts. We shouldn't always expect a return, but it's nice when we get one.

uncledoug · 3 months ago

In my humble opinion, we set ourselves up for trouble when we devise rules of conduct designed to appear as prerequisites to membership. In following these rules, we often
will come into conflict with natural conventions of behavior/conduct which are already
in practice causing a conflict, namely, should I obey the membership rule or follow my natural and usual intuition to guide my decision as to how to respond? This Would certainly cause a conflict and a resulting confrontation would ensue. This is always a problem where rules of conduct dominate over natural propensities.
This is why, in the interest of ones personal freedom to act on ones own volition,
one should keep belonging to groups and clubs and other organized activities
to a minimum. In my own case, I am a virtual hermit due to my guarding against
surrendering my personal freedom.I prefer to do my own thinking.---Doug Rosbury