I've seen the same thing. If I am nervous about not having enough "airtime" with someone, and no chance to followup, I can sabotage it by trying to "sell" myself in the limited time allotted. On the other hand, if I am relaxed and confident, I tend to engage the other person with open-ended questions about them or things they care about. In the former case, I'm guessing they're thinking, "That guy is all about himself". In the latter case, I've actually heard through the grapevine that they said afterwards "That guy is really interesting!". Same me, different mode. It's very human, but still somewhat ironic, that the people we find the most "interesting" are the ones that express the most interest in us. @trevorrotzien
Bill
· 10 months ago
Dude - you just keep bringing it and bringing it! Thought provoking post on how I communicate - in person and online! Thanks
Nicole Nicolay
· 10 months ago
I think the common mistake for those of us (maybe it's just me) striving to converse and collaborate the super smarties like you, is that we get caught up trying to show we have character....when having great character requires being a great listener. It's all in the details. I'm really try focus on the details of the people I meet to foster a common ground for getting to know them.
John Easton
· 10 months ago
Chris,
I agree that making the conversation, the blog content, the sale about your audience/customer. I think Brian Clark over at Copyblogger.net does a great job of this in his anchor post on writing good blog headlines, http://www.copyblogger.com/10-sure-fire-headlin...
Chris, what are some good examples you have found?
Chris - great stuff! The leaders I admire most always ask me about myself instead of talking about themselves. It can be difficult at times, but it pays off. I am, however, having a problem deciding if I like the text or the picture more in this post!
Jenifer Olson
· 10 months ago
Hi Chris,
I love this post!
Ironically, I find people who brag or name drop are usually pretty unsure of themselves and insecure. That's why the bravado.
However, I also know several truly incredible contributors who consistently sell themselves short and underplay their accomplishments because, well, they're also insecure.
A conundrum, to be sure.
Adam Singer
· 10 months ago
This is smart advice. Chris, I love how you make your posts a bit fun sometimes while educating readers. That's the magic of smart educators, you really get it.
You watch Randy Pausch's last lecture? That was the whole brilliance of it, he really showed us how education can be exciting and make us come alive. I think that's why you're successful here Chris, you love to have a "headfake" as Randy calls it with your posts.
ted villa
· 10 months ago
Great post. Thanks for throwing this out there. You offer some great advice, and as someone in the midst of struggling to write that about page for his own business venture, this is good fodder (this and your Building Blocks Post both resonated with me).
Drumming up business, or interviews, or work, or whatever it is that one is in the process of trying to attain is a very tricky dance between bragging about oneself and being humble. Culturally I think that most of us are not raised to brag, we were taught to be humble. As a result, when trying to brag we sometimes come off Sally Fields-ish, or overly brash. Walking that line between the extremes is a skill that one must work at continuously. Another skill that requires work is the skill of active listening that you describe. Refining ones communication style is an ever evolving process.
Jayson T Cote
· 10 months ago
I completely agree Chris, Many of us can know a lot more about a person by listening to what others have to say about them versus what they say about themselves. There is a bit of a paradox here for the entrepreneur trying to promote his or her talents and expertise without coming off as too egotistical. I like the idea of credentials, but I also know many people worth knowing that have unparalleled professional and personal experience without any credentials that we can all learn from. I have struggled to write my own bios, just for these reasons, don't really want to blow my own horn but I do want people to know who I am and what I can do. I found one solution. I asked friends and colleagues to write a paragraph about me as if they were describing me to someone who didn't know me. It was very eye opening and extremely helpful to know how my closest friends and clients would describe me to another.
Brent Haeseker
· 10 months ago
Transitioning from a web design to a website salesman was hard and a bit painful at times. Transitioning from a website salesman to a website consultant was simple and feels good all the time.
Same job, really, but different approach in who you are focusing on.
Great article, Chris.
geo
· 10 months ago
yo chris who is that masked girl in the photo - is that the ninja princess from a few years back - my daughter was asking about putting her kids photos up just yesterday - how do you feel about it - to me its fine but i didn't know what to say other then that she needs to be comfortable with what ever she did - hmmm oh well love the pic and this should be your future profile pic - i didn't noticed if you had your tonsils removed - inquiring minds wanna know :-)
be you g-oh
Kathy Sierra
· 10 months ago
Excellent. And I had to take up your challenge to check out your About Me page and I was pretty shocked by what I saw there... a refreshingly humble/factual bio! I shouldn't have been surprised because of who you are, but still...
Wonderful. Not that there's anything wrong with testimonials, either, as long as they're from people talking not about how great YOU are, but how awesome THEY are as a result of something you helped them do. You're the coach, not the star player. Cheers
chrisbrogan
· 10 months ago
@Adam - I think Randy's Last Lecture is required viewing, isn't it?
@Trevor - that's the magic trick. If you spend a half hour listening to someone else talk about themselves, and you really move them to talk more, they walk away thinking you're really smart and interesting. : )
@Nik_Nik - don't make me bring up just why I know you have character. : ) You've got a point about proving one's self. I have to think about that. I still think there are ways without making it a mememememe thing.
@Ted - I think you've got a point. It's hard to figure out that right balance.
As always, you've all given me much to think about, and I'm glad you spend time with me. : )
nathalie pelletier
· 10 months ago
brilliant post, chris. i've never been proud of the 'about' page on my business site because it never felt like conveyed what my site is about. Even though I am still not quite sure how to do it; you brought my focus back to the importance of the message on that page and how i should use it to better relate to my readers. Thanks ;)
Energy Hoarder
· 10 months ago
Chris: I feel I may have to start paying to read your posts. Everyone is golden! As for your bio, you do call yourself "president", but besides that...very humble. Now I need to go change mine...thanks, more work!
Gina Kay Landis
· 10 months ago
IRL, I'm more of a listener. In blogging and other social media, in commenting on threads, sometimes will give my opinion but often defer to others who state things a lot better than I do. It's easier in real life to listen, engage, and pretty much "be there" for the other, and also attempts are made on Twitter, on Facebook, even on email. Somehow and sometimes though, it doesn't feel "like me" - less like I am thinking of the other person - and I found recently that my posts were more like (in MBTI terms) like "Guardian" posts instead of like "Teacher" or "Leader" posts (a combo of ENTJ and ENFJ,) so I haven't been as "me" (which is quite other-oriented) and I don't know why. So, time to re-assess and become the mix that is more obviously caring (well and this response was kind of self-absorbed, which is just a part of learning, eh? Don' shoot me =).
Point being, if it doesn't come across as caring about the other (you) then it doesn't work. Thanks Chris for your always on-spot posts - you get to the heart of the matter!!
chrisbrogan
· 10 months ago
@geo - I'm all for putting pics of my kids on the web. I have yet to have a stalker issue, so maybe my take would change, but so far, I don't feel too weird about it.
Tonsils are intact. They stopped that surgery around the 1980s, except for emergencies.
@Kathy - thanks for swinging by and for the kind words. As I said briefly in Twitter, about 80% of the time, I'm just channeling YOU.
chrisbrogan
· 10 months ago
@Energy Hoarder - I have to. That's my title. I could say "chief typist," but it would get confusing.
john andrews
· 10 months ago
Hi chris, the customer of the day did bring customers back and as a matter of fact it also gave people ideas on different things to order. Unfortunately a combo of a lot of things contributed to the closing but this would definitely be a must have offering/service if I ever open up another location. I got more positive feedback and return visits and referrals from this experiment than any money I spent on print medium that's for sure.
Kevin (SpiritintheVillage)
· 10 months ago
Hey Chris, Thanks for connecting with me on Linkedin... I like the post and about us taking the time to take the attention off ourselves. I've found that when I focus on myself I don't really have a clue so I've learned to shut up! This is good. Have a good one!
Ari Herzog
· 10 months ago
No, please. It's not about me. It's all about you, really. Or, more precisely, us.
Nigel Walsh
· 10 months ago
Chris - a great post, lovely picture and good advice. As someone who has spent the best part of 10 years in enterprise technology sales - its never about me or us, until we know about them. Isnt this like dating though and the respective date is your customer?. So unless you are Brad or Angelina, then you have to work hard and listen - this is harder than talking!. No one wants to go on a date and do the old "show up and throw up".... Some people have a natural habiit for making others feel and think great - back to your comment about the cheesy Car Sales, how would you feel driving this!
Tresha Thorsen
· 10 months ago
Such a great father/daughter being their goofy selves image. Would seriously adore hearing your daughter's take on this very subject...how she meets friends for the first time. She will--I have a hunch--ditto your every suggestion, only in girlspeak. :)Because what you've authored here is that gentle reminder of discovering the wonder of one another...and really caring about that....in addition to sharing your own wonder with someone else. Remember the playground? the sandbox? the where-ever you used to meet friends in recess? Of course we all eventually showed off. "OOh...looky what I can do tooooo!" BUT...what nudged a lot of those first conversations? Wasn't it fascination with what someone ELSE was doing? Wanna giggle? When I first read and commented on your blog, I wasn't yet on twitter so I didn't know you had a ton of followers and I didn't know how to see who reads who or who has how many followers. I just clicked someone's link and resonated with the wonder of what you said. And I"m sure I left a too long comment (like this one). So alas was I when you didn't comment back to little me. KIDDING! But that's my reality so far online. I am still very much in the 'wonder of others' stage and me hopes I don't evah lose that...like on the playground...gravitating to those who make us all say 'cool! look at him! her! and look at what I can do too! let's teach each other!" Kay....off to the monkey bars and seesaws...
Sarah Montague
· 10 months ago
Doesn't really boil down to great leaders listen more and talk less? At least that's what my mentor taught me. Applies across any medium online or offline.
Ricardojc
· 10 months ago
The value of a man resides in what he gives and not in what he is capable of receiving. A giver prospers! Inspiring post Chris!
Paul Walsh
· 10 months ago
Chris: great post -- keep them coming!
Re: your comment: "Strangely, the most “important” people (in at least the public business sense) I have ever met in my life have all asked me more about myself..."
I've had the opportunity to work with and learn from very senior level exec's in both government and the private sectora and have found the same to be true.
During meetings, there is nearly always a common thread among these leaders: to a person they are typically the quietest, most gracious, and the most curious people in the meeting. Listening and understanding is THE key skill set for success in business (and life, for that matter). Can be a tough discipline to master, but it is worth pursuing.
Cheers!
Paul Walsh
Susie Blackmon
· 10 months ago
Undivided attention... Very interesting and thought provoking picture and blog Chris. I remember one former boss in particular who was a master at making anyone he spoke to feel like they were the only person existing on the planet at that moment in time.
Chris Brogan
· 10 months ago
@Susie - that's definitely a trait I should've mentioned, the we contact. That and using the other person's name. Thanks!
JT O'Donnell
· 10 months ago
Chris,
I read you posts daily and never really comment because your readers always say what I'm thinking. I can't type that fast!
Just felt the need today to say 'thank you' for your blog. I think I must say, 'Wow - such a good thing to consider," at least 5 times a week reading your work.
JT
Jason Finch
· 10 months ago
Cool to see you referenced the old style car dealer and definitely right about why that is important :)
I've always agreed with the notion that we should all listen more to what people are saying - the ole "that's why we have two ears and one mouth" mantra.. sales letters and techniques have always pushed the notion that the number of times that "you" appears or is said should far far outweigh the number of "me", "us" and "I". Perhaps folk talk about themselves a lot at first if they are nervous or worried - it often comes from people who don't like eye contact, again can be a nervous reaction.
Social media is more and more helping people to remember that relationships are about open communication and two-way conversation: so much traditional marketing has been about shouting a message at people rather than listening to who they are and what they are about.
Global Patriot
· 10 months ago
I've always been interested in finding out about others, as the more I know the better I'm able to connect to them in a meaningful way. It also serves as a great teaching process, just to hear about someone's life - they're trials and tribulations, great successes, tragic sorrows. It gives me perspective on my own life and often creates a common bond when you've both been through similar experiences. In the end, my own story will come out, all in good time, and the story will be richer and more appropriate once a solid foundation is in place.
Wyteria Jacobo
· 10 months ago
So on point and applicable to every relationships. I'm going to check my blog's "about me" and compare it to yours and others like you. This will help me with my tweets, too.
You're right about us thinking the other person is interesting when they put us first. I had a conversation once with a radio show host and I was so intrigued by how well he listened.
chrisbrogan
· 10 months ago
So what I'm seeing, complete with a few echoes, is that some folks are shy and that's why they default to "I" type conversations. Can another shy person or two validate that?
Lance
· 10 months ago
Well Chris I've gotten over my "shyness" because I do enjoy people and conversation. I concern for being shy is attributed to the lack of confidence within one self or concern of acceptance of your personality from others. Frankly, you are who you are...accept yourself before other can do the same. Tell the world who you are, what you do and where you plan to take yourself. This will attract those who feel the same and of course, similar minds have similar things to converse...connection!!!!!
Ryan Miller
· 10 months ago
Chris,
Great post. In regards to keeping it 'not about you' I think its especially easy if the person you're interacting with has a good story or is genuinely captivating. Where it gets muddy is trying to keep it about other people when you may not be really into what they're saying or how they're carrying themselves. That's NOT to say one should avoid opposing views, but I guess what I'm asking is, does trying to make it about EVERYONE other than you come off as not genuine? Or do you think that you need to train yourself to learn how to care about EVERYONE? CAN you devote real energy to each interaction and each relationship or does it get watered down after a while?
Just sayin'.
@ryancmiller
Rachel Burkot
· 10 months ago
I think you make some great points. It really just comes down to a fact that is so overlooked - we live in a selfish society. People don't care about anyone but themselves - how they can get ahead in the world, and if they have to use others to do it, they will. So, if you want to sell a product, you have to make it about the customer - how it will benefit them. The same thing goes in job-hunting...the job seeker must stress to the employer how they will help the company, not how the company will help them. Since everyone looks out for number one first, you have a major advantage if you can cast number one aside - temporarily, at least.
Reggie Greene / The Logisticia
· 10 months ago
Lest we leave out "asking the clients what they want."
Tumblemoose
· 10 months ago
Communication is an information exchange and I think the most successful comms are the ones that are balanced. There should be a bit of give and take on both sides of the equation.
I have certainly come across some of the meme types and I try and take note so that I can avoid those traps.
George
virtualimpax
· 10 months ago
There's no way to create programming for that marketing favorite WIIFM (What's In It For Me) without first LEARNING what your customers want. Thanks for reminding us all that the greats got great by following the old Dale Carnegie advice - get what you want by helping other people get what THEY want!
Nakeva
· 10 months ago
Chris, my friends would say that I'm outgoing, amiable, and great with people. If I met you in person it is possible I would be shy at first and not want to talk about myself. I think this is because 1) I have a genuine interest in learning about other people and 2) It would seem like I had to prove myself depending on who started the conversation. I have many interests and people often don't know how to "label" me and put me in a comfortable bucket of reference from their life perspective. Sometimes it leads to more questions which keeps a conversation moving, or it leads to a quick conversation that ends in focus on them turning to the "I" mode, or they move on to someone else they can "classify."
It has been a fun experience taking more action to step outside my comfort zone and recognize the nature of people and being to share more about myself other than the surface details. I learn about myself and the other person simultaneously and we both walk away feeling that we gained value in knowing more about each other. The about me page on a blog has been a valuable tool for me because it starts a conversation and some people feel they know enough about me and want to connect. The virtual landscape present opportunities for people to share before hand and not feel egotistical should they end up talking about who they are and about their life.
Good post and now must revisit what my about me page says about me from where I am in life now compared to when I wrote it. That was hard to do in the first place, LOL!
Amy ~ @allaboutenergy
· 10 months ago
Chris, Love the picture A LOT and the post! Very astute observations! Interesting observations and suggestion by Rachel Burkot above. I would add, master the practice of sincerely being interested in others and casting number 1 aside often. You'll find that number 1 (you) are very well taken care of that way. Ask Seth
Werner Erhard once said,"the way to be interesting is to be INTERESTED".
All humans love to talk about themselves, so the way to be interesting to another is to be interested in them so that they can talk about themselves! The trick is to be SINCERELY interested and not just going through the motions. It doesn't work at all when you come out and start talking about yourself uninvited. That backfires!
I have observed that insecure people (more than shy) will begin with talk about themselves. They may also put others down. It's all an unconscious program that is acted out to "make them feel viable" in an intense world full of others they view internally as much better than they.
Shy people could go either way, talk about themselves or be interested in others.
IMO, it's mMuch more exciting and rewarding to be interesting by being interested in others... life moves at a fast clip, this may be the only opportunity to ask them about themselves. (You already know about you!)
So tell me a bit about you.... :-)
@allaboutenergy
Lisa Hickey
· 10 months ago
If someone, in whatever medium – real life, or advertising, or resume or tweet – gets me to think about the world in a different way, I immediately want to work with them. That’s why humor (think Superbowl commercials) often works, by definition you’ve caught me off guard, said something unexpected. But a demonstration of your abilities works just as well – you never have to say to me “I’m smart” or “I’m educated” or “I’m an expert” if you just say something that demonstrates that you are. In many ways, you have mastered the art of this, Chris, you are insightful, humorous and conversational (thus *demonstrating* your focus on others). You don’t tell me you are those things, you just are.
If it’s really *just* about the customer perspective, why won’t I click on a bio if it says “I’m here to help you make money on line?” or “Helping you be the best you can be?” Customer focused, right? Well, in addition to not being specific and believable, consider context: if I’m on Twitter, know that I’m looking for conversation. So if you answer the question: “Have you told me something about yourself that makes me think a conversation with you might be interesting?” then I’m halfway on the way to wanting to work with you.
John Treadway
· 10 months ago
Chris - that may be too simplistic. Many people including serious extroverts need to work hard to being "you" focused. Some people do this naturally, and I have met shy types who are great at drawing you out in conversation. For many others, it's an acquired skill.
Sometimes an "I" focus can be mistaken for being self-centered. That can be wrong too as there are many aspects of our lives that train us to focus on ourselves -- like the very human need for attention. Do the students who listen and encourage others get as much attention as the ones with their hands up at every opportunity? Of course not. The quite ones often get lower grades due to low participation (think of your standard Harvard grading system), even though they may have great mastery of the subject. This dynamic is present at many workplaces too, and heavily motivates the strengthening of the I/me/my instinct.
@Susie - making you feel that you're the only person on the planet is the hallmark of many successful politicians. It's been said that face-to-face, Bill Clinton makes you feel like the king of the world even though he's doing all the talking.
John
Sharlene
· 10 months ago
Definitely. What's to realize is how we speak of others is always a reflection of ourselves. When we talk about ourselves directly, there's always something lacking whether it's tact or self-awareness, but when we talk about other people we're showing what we value in other people, are willing to learn, and that there's a genuine concern.
Of course a little self-deprecating humor goes a long way too to show that you've got your ego in check.
Ole Emil Johnsen
· 10 months ago
A really great post. This is mirroring my philosofy exactely. For me it's important to learn how to ask the right questions to make people talk. Some are very easy to get going, while others are not. As a young founder in a my own small PR agency it takes time to build credibility. I use a lot of references to case studies and statistics to "self promote". Knowledge is gold, and I share as much of it as I can. This is always appreciated by my audience, but isn't always the most profitable way of doing business :)
Lois Geller
· 10 months ago
This has always been true in direct marketing also. People listen to one radio station, WIIFM, What's in it for me? If it is all about you...I don't care. Thanks for sending out this reminder to me too. Maybe I'll revisit some of my pompous bios on the web. YOU are the best. Thank you.
Chernee Vitello
· 10 months ago
Hi Chris -
I really enjoyed your post and reading your blogs. It is so important to build a strong relationship with your clients, to build trust. I think this is forgotten a lot of the time when people are pushing a product or service, they forget to ask questions to figure out who their customer really is.
Best - Chernee Vitello
Zach Heller
· 10 months ago
I have to agree with a lot of the comments here. Of course it is important to get your name out there, but what people don't realize at first is that just having conversations is getting your name out there. You don't have to brag or promote yourself at all times to get attention. Ask questions, answer question, and help others. This will win over a lot more people than just dropping your name into a space where it is neither wanted or accepted.
Thanks Chris
Ria
· 10 months ago
"Plumb the depths..." Chris, you are such a wordsmith, I love it.
You'll only find head nodding from this corner. LISTENING is sooooo powerful. As a mom, there are many times when my kids make choices based on their unconscious need for my attention. As humans, I don't think we ever grow out of that need. We are all on a quest for connection. Listening provides the means. It's quite IRRESISTIBLE, don't you think?
Eddie Parber
· 10 months ago
You are dead on here. The person who did this better than anyone else I have ever sat down and had a conversation with was also probably the most successful business person I have talked with, former CEO of AFC enterprises (Popeye's Biscuts and Chicken) for 13 years. I met with him wanting to learn from his experiences and he kept keeping the conversation on me no matter how hard I tried to pick his brain!
But I look to Mr. Donald Trump to go against this mold. The man is a shameless promoter of himself saying, "If you don't promote yourself no one else will." It seems to get the job done for him, he's pretty dang successful. Maybe he wasn't such a promoter of himself while he was rising to the top.
So I'm not sure which policy is best for business but I do know that we should all probably shut up and listen to others more. Who do we all think we are?
Emilie
· 10 months ago
Folks who are sincerely more interested in what the other person is saying, doing and thinking than getting in their own word or tidbit are truly able to convey the quality of their character, which is that they are gracious, confident and satisfied with themselves and do not worry about whether their point is going to be understood. These are my favorite people because with these people true conversations actually take place, rather than stressed verbal and emotional posturing.
DDGriffith
· 10 months ago
Totally concur. Thank you for bringing such a valuable lesson to your pages. Never cease. Never tire. Please.
I would truly love to spend a length of time with you and do nothing but ask questions about you, your life, your likes (and dislikes), your loves and how you filter and experience the world around you.
In a generation some have labeled 'Gen Me', where as long as 'my' needs are met all is right with the world, more and more people seem to protect themselves from being vulnerable by isolating themselves in... well themselves.
"Try to please everyone and no one is pleased. Try to please yourself and at least one person is pleased." I believe this was attributed to PT Barnum who also said a fool was born every minute. Not exactly an attitude framed around creating, building and retaining relationships. We have digressed as a nation, and as a world community, from principle based relationships to personality based techniques.
Studies done in the late 1990's research what business would look like in the new millennium. Results coming back indicated that the future would look more like the past than the present. That there should be a return to the relationship based commerce done between people in neighborhood markets. Back to a time when the speed of life allowed taking time to earnestly andsincerely inquire about the people that you in fact owed your livelihood to. However, it was not done for the reciprocity. The reciprocity was a by-product of the relationship.
There is so much opportunity and potential to live in the question with peers and constituents today, recreating more of the past into the future, relationally and exponentially making use of all of the emerging social medias.
I appreciate a voice singing for this and appreciate, as I read other voices commenting in, a choir.
Danny Brown
· 10 months ago
I think there's reasons for both sides of the coin.
We grow up, and generally our parents tell us "No-one likes a show-off" so we don't like to talk about ourselves. Even if it's in the *non-bragging* mould, we're lectured into believing that one word about ourselves is bad.
Then we go to school, and we're told that again. The sports team is exactly that - a team, and rightly so. Unless you're a solitary chess player, of course.
Then we go to work as young adults, and we're thrown into ice-breaker situations. Team meetings where our leaders say, "Right, you're turn - who are you, what do you want here? Go." Then we're told that the only way to succeed is to put yourself out there - no-one climbs the corporate ladder by being Mr. Nice Guy.
Then we die, and people don't really know what to say about us because we're this enigma that never really opened up (or opened up too much).
Conversation is the breeding ground for community. Community is the breeding ground for knowledge. Knowledge is the breeding ground for success. How do we start a conversation? By asking about others.
Do the math. :)
Joan Curtis
· 10 months ago
Hi Chris,
Great points. I coach some very dynamic, exciting people. There's no question that for me the best client is a person who wants to grow, learn and be the best. When talking with people, I tend to focus on those things. You bring up something so important to marketing. Many of the groups I work with are shy about marketing themselves (These are often entrepreneurs). Once I explain that they are not 'selling" themselves, they are learning about others. Their role when they meet someone is to learn more about them, i.e., to show a genuine curiosity about the other person. Even in networking events the goal is to gather cards, not to shove your card at every person you see. And, I might add, you need to gather cards from people with whom you connect, not with everyone.
Taking this concept a step further and into the social media--particularly Twitter, why is it we still get people shoving themselves at us? I get weary of the tweets that say, "Hello here I am, check out my whatever," before they know anything about me. Have you any tips for how to create a really good group of followers? Not just numbers, but people who understand the value of relationship? I read all your blogs and I'd love for you to share some ideas (I've read the rants).
Best and thanks! Joan
Mike McCready
· 10 months ago
I think this a great post and some great comments. I've been thinking a lot about being authentic and I think that goes hand-in-hand with what you're saying Chris. When someone comes off as arrogant or a know-it-all, they loose that sense of authenticity. Being authentic is about being genuine and sincere. How can a client think you are genuinely concerned about their business if you talk about yourself.
Working at a higher education institution, this is becoming particularly important. To slightly modify one of you statements in your post:
Which works better? An ad about how awesome your school is, or a student saying how awesome your school is?
I wrote a blog post with my thoughts on the subject.
Thanks for your post, it was a good read.
williamarruda
· 10 months ago
Thanks, Chris, for the important clarification on personal branding. It's not about you - but about how you can use who you are to add value to others - that's the power of personal branding. There are lots of misconceptions about personal branding - and the biggest being that personal branding means telling people about how great you are. Effective personal branding is actually about demonstrating your unique promise of value clearly and consistently with everything you do.
Love this blog Chris. Lately have been a bit lost when it come to sane Social Media politics/policies. Recently Tweeted" If I were a brand what brand would I be...Only to come away red faced.
I agree it is all about the other person...All about the experience and the relationships Social Media draws you into.
By the way I love the picture on your blog. Looks like a happy memory for you and your little girl..So I guess will add one more to the list...It is also about the memories.
Good words Chris as always.
chef max
· 10 months ago
Thanks for the post Chris. I was having a hard time with this today. I want to set myself up as an expert but I do not want to spend the time name dropping or talking about the places I worked. I know this will turn off people, as I would sometimes be turned off. Sometimes I find it really cool to listen to where people have been with thier lives. It may all just be in the story telling part of this.The balance, as in everything, is the hardest part to achieve.
Michael Slawin
· 10 months ago
Chris,
Once again a really great post. When I remember to listen more....learn more....I actually gain insight into myself. Have met some really wonderful people that are involved in the online space here in St Louis--one of the things they have in common is that they listen.
Thanks for the reminder--and thanks for listening!
Jasmin
· 10 months ago
Hi Chris. I've met the positive kind of people you describe. People who don't have much time, but always have time for others.People who take the time to stop, listen, and pay attention. Recently I sat in a meeting where somebody was using two mobile phones under the table while people were talking. Perhaps he thought he was listening and able to multitask,but he certainly let us know what he thought was important. When I write on my personal blog I feel hyper-aware of when I am using 'I' too much. I really want it to be about others, although I guess the nature of personal blogging is that it pivots around my own view of the world. I would rather let people know what we have in common and why we should connect, rather than telling them they should read my blog because of any kind of self importance. Our stories and our backgrounds are part of what helps us to connect, the trick I find is not letting those stories become our identities.
Adriel Hampton
· 10 months ago
I do pro bono communications and political consulting for friends and just about anybody who wants to talk about the stuff that interests me. Your advice is spot on, at least for someone like me who has absolutely NO PROBLEM talking about himself for sustained periods of time (hope that wasn't my "about" page you were looking at!). I got similar advice from @krazykriz, a very smart Gov 2.0 guy, who recommended always starting out a training or consulting session by asking what the problems are that need solving. Sometimes I think I know, but that's not always so. Along with asking questions, I find it's great to talk up what other people are doing. It adds to the community, and may create relationships that are ultimately going to be much more valuable than a back and forth with me.
Joe Alban
· 10 months ago
Great post. It is very easy, especially in my field, acupuncture and Chinese medicine, to talk about yourself, your training, your thought process, your approach, etc. The trick is to keep it other focused, and still bring out your uniqueness.
That is where there is a great balance, a yin yang relationship (forgive me) between the blog and the about page. The about page is yin, that means it is the foundation, the solid ground which says who you are and what you can do for the client. The Yang, which is more active, is more about the creating the personality, the teaching, going out to the internet world and getting known. But without the strong foundation, it will not attract anybody, it will just be waster cyber energy.
Sad to hear your favorite cafe is closing it's doors. I really liked their idea for the blog and was considering something a little similar for my blog about my acupuncture practice.
All Comments
@trevorrotzien
I agree that making the conversation, the blog content, the sale about your audience/customer. I think Brian Clark over at Copyblogger.net does a great job of this in his anchor post on writing good blog headlines, http://www.copyblogger.com/10-sure-fire-headlin...
Chris, what are some good examples you have found?
John Easton
Customer Flypaper
http://www.customerflypaper.com/about
I love this post!
Ironically, I find people who brag or name drop are usually pretty unsure of themselves and insecure. That's why the bravado.
However, I also know several truly incredible contributors who consistently sell themselves short and underplay their accomplishments because, well, they're also insecure.
A conundrum, to be sure.
You watch Randy Pausch's last lecture? That was the whole brilliance of it, he really showed us how education can be exciting and make us come alive. I think that's why you're successful here Chris, you love to have a "headfake" as Randy calls it with your posts.
Drumming up business, or interviews, or work, or whatever it is that one is in the process of trying to attain is a very tricky dance between bragging about oneself and being humble. Culturally I think that most of us are not raised to brag, we were taught to be humble. As a result, when trying to brag we sometimes come off Sally Fields-ish, or overly brash. Walking that line between the extremes is a skill that one must work at continuously. Another skill that requires work is the skill of active listening that you describe. Refining ones communication style is an ever evolving process.
Same job, really, but different approach in who you are focusing on.
Great article, Chris.
be you
g-oh
Wonderful. Not that there's anything wrong with testimonials, either, as long as they're from people talking not about how great YOU are, but how awesome THEY are as a result of something you helped them do. You're the coach, not the star player. Cheers
@Trevor - that's the magic trick. If you spend a half hour listening to someone else talk about themselves, and you really move them to talk more, they walk away thinking you're really smart and interesting. : )
@Nik_Nik - don't make me bring up just why I know you have character. : ) You've got a point about proving one's self. I have to think about that. I still think there are ways without making it a mememememe thing.
@Ted - I think you've got a point. It's hard to figure out that right balance.
As always, you've all given me much to think about, and I'm glad you spend time with me. : )
i've never been proud of the 'about' page on my business site because it never felt like conveyed what my site is about. Even though I am still not quite sure how to do it; you brought my focus back to the importance of the message on that page and how i should use it to better relate to my readers.
Thanks ;)
Point being, if it doesn't come across as caring about the other (you) then it doesn't work. Thanks Chris for your always on-spot posts - you get to the heart of the matter!!
Tonsils are intact. They stopped that surgery around the 1980s, except for emergencies.
@Kathy - thanks for swinging by and for the kind words. As I said briefly in Twitter, about 80% of the time, I'm just channeling YOU.
Thanks for connecting with me on Linkedin... I like the post and about us taking the time to take the attention off ourselves. I've found that when I focus on myself I don't really have a clue so I've learned to shut up! This is good.
Have a good one!
Would seriously adore hearing your daughter's take on this very subject...how she meets friends for the first time. She will--I have a hunch--ditto your every suggestion, only in girlspeak. :)Because what you've authored here is that gentle reminder of discovering the wonder of one another...and really caring about that....in addition to sharing your own wonder with someone else.
Remember the playground? the sandbox? the where-ever you used to meet friends in recess?
Of course we all eventually showed off. "OOh...looky what I can do tooooo!" BUT...what nudged a lot of those first conversations? Wasn't it fascination with what someone ELSE was doing?
Wanna giggle? When I first read and commented on your blog, I wasn't yet on twitter so I didn't know you had a ton of followers and I didn't know how to see who reads who or who has how many followers. I just clicked someone's link and resonated with the wonder of what you said. And I"m sure I left a too long comment (like this one). So alas was I when you didn't comment back to little me. KIDDING!
But that's my reality so far online. I am still very much in the 'wonder of others' stage and me hopes I don't evah lose that...like on the playground...gravitating to those who make us all say 'cool! look at him! her! and look at what I can do too! let's teach each other!" Kay....off to the monkey bars and seesaws...
Inspiring post Chris!
Re: your comment: "Strangely, the most “important” people (in at least the public business sense) I have ever met in my life have all asked me more about myself..."
I've had the opportunity to work with and learn from very senior level exec's in both government and the private sectora and have found the same to be true.
During meetings, there is nearly always a common thread among these leaders: to a person they are typically the quietest, most gracious, and the most curious people in the meeting. Listening and understanding is THE key skill set for success in business (and life, for that matter). Can be a tough discipline to master, but it is worth pursuing.
Cheers!
Paul Walsh
Very interesting and thought provoking picture and blog Chris.
I remember one former boss in particular who was a master at making anyone he spoke to feel like they were the only person existing on the planet at that moment in time.
I read you posts daily and never really comment because your readers always say what I'm thinking. I can't type that fast!
Just felt the need today to say 'thank you' for your blog. I think I must say, 'Wow - such a good thing to consider," at least 5 times a week reading your work.
JT
I've always agreed with the notion that we should all listen more to what people are saying - the ole "that's why we have two ears and one mouth" mantra.. sales letters and techniques have always pushed the notion that the number of times that "you" appears or is said should far far outweigh the number of "me", "us" and "I". Perhaps folk talk about themselves a lot at first if they are nervous or worried - it often comes from people who don't like eye contact, again can be a nervous reaction.
Social media is more and more helping people to remember that relationships are about open communication and two-way conversation: so much traditional marketing has been about shouting a message at people rather than listening to who they are and what they are about.
You're right about us thinking the other person is interesting when they put us first. I had a conversation once with a radio show host and I was so intrigued by how well he listened.
I've gotten over my "shyness" because I do enjoy people and conversation. I concern for being shy is attributed to the lack of confidence within one self or concern of acceptance of your personality from others. Frankly, you are who you are...accept yourself before other can do the same. Tell the world who you are, what you do and where you plan to take yourself. This will attract those who feel the same and of course, similar minds have similar things to converse...connection!!!!!
Great post. In regards to keeping it 'not about you' I think its especially easy if the person you're interacting with has a good story or is genuinely captivating. Where it gets muddy is trying to keep it about other people when you may not be really into what they're saying or how they're carrying themselves. That's NOT to say one should avoid opposing views, but I guess what I'm asking is, does trying to make it about EVERYONE other than you come off as not genuine? Or do you think that you need to train yourself to learn how to care about EVERYONE? CAN you devote real energy to each interaction and each relationship or does it get watered down after a while?
Just sayin'.
@ryancmiller
I have certainly come across some of the meme types and I try and take note so that I can avoid those traps.
George
It has been a fun experience taking more action to step outside my comfort zone and recognize the nature of people and being to share more about myself other than the surface details. I learn about myself and the other person simultaneously and we both walk away feeling that we gained value in knowing more about each other. The about me page on a blog has been a valuable tool for me because it starts a conversation and some people feel they know enough about me and want to connect. The virtual landscape present opportunities for people to share before hand and not feel egotistical should they end up talking about who they are and about their life.
Good post and now must revisit what my about me page says about me from where I am in life now compared to when I wrote it. That was hard to do in the first place, LOL!
Werner Erhard once said,"the way to be interesting is to be INTERESTED".
All humans love to talk about themselves, so the way to be interesting to another is to be interested in them so that they can talk about themselves! The trick is to be SINCERELY interested and not just going through the motions. It doesn't work at all when you come out and start talking about yourself uninvited. That backfires!
I have observed that insecure people (more than shy) will begin with talk about themselves. They may also put others down. It's all an unconscious program that is acted out to "make them feel viable" in an intense world full of others they view internally as much better than they.
Shy people could go either way, talk about themselves or be interested in others.
IMO, it's mMuch more exciting and rewarding to be interesting by being interested in others... life moves at a fast clip, this may be the only opportunity to ask them about themselves. (You already know about you!)
So tell me a bit about you.... :-)
@allaboutenergy
If it’s really *just* about the customer perspective, why won’t I click on a bio if it says “I’m here to help you make money on line?” or “Helping you be the best you can be?” Customer focused, right? Well, in addition to not being specific and believable, consider context: if I’m on Twitter, know that I’m looking for conversation. So if you answer the question: “Have you told me something about yourself that makes me think a conversation with you might be interesting?” then I’m halfway on the way to wanting to work with you.
Sometimes an "I" focus can be mistaken for being self-centered. That can be wrong too as there are many aspects of our lives that train us to focus on ourselves -- like the very human need for attention. Do the students who listen and encourage others get as much attention as the ones with their hands up at every opportunity? Of course not. The quite ones often get lower grades due to low participation (think of your standard Harvard grading system), even though they may have great mastery of the subject. This dynamic is present at many workplaces too, and heavily motivates the strengthening of the I/me/my instinct.
@Susie - making you feel that you're the only person on the planet is the hallmark of many successful politicians. It's been said that face-to-face, Bill Clinton makes you feel like the king of the world even though he's doing all the talking.
John
Of course a little self-deprecating humor goes a long way too to show that you've got your ego in check.
If it is all about you...I don't care. Thanks for sending out this reminder to me too. Maybe I'll revisit some of my pompous bios on the web. YOU are the best.
Thank you.
I really enjoyed your post and reading your blogs. It is so important to build a strong relationship with your clients, to build trust. I think this is forgotten a lot of the time when people are pushing a product or service, they forget to ask questions to figure out who their customer really is.
Best -
Chernee Vitello
Thanks Chris
You'll only find head nodding from this corner. LISTENING is sooooo powerful. As a mom, there are many times when my kids make choices based on their unconscious need for my attention. As humans, I don't think we ever grow out of that need. We are all on a quest for connection. Listening provides the means. It's quite IRRESISTIBLE, don't you think?
But I look to Mr. Donald Trump to go against this mold. The man is a shameless promoter of himself saying, "If you don't promote yourself no one else will." It seems to get the job done for him, he's pretty dang successful. Maybe he wasn't such a promoter of himself while he was rising to the top.
So I'm not sure which policy is best for business but I do know that we should all probably shut up and listen to others more. Who do we all think we are?
I would truly love to spend a length of time with you and do nothing but ask questions about you, your life, your likes (and dislikes), your loves and how you filter and experience the world around you.
In a generation some have labeled 'Gen Me', where as long as 'my' needs are met all is right with the world, more and more people seem to protect themselves from being vulnerable by isolating themselves in... well themselves.
"Try to please everyone and no one is pleased. Try to please yourself and at least one person is pleased." I believe this was attributed to PT Barnum who also said a fool was born every minute. Not exactly an attitude framed around creating, building and retaining relationships. We have digressed as a nation, and as a world community, from principle based relationships to personality based techniques.
Studies done in the late 1990's research what business would look like in the new millennium. Results coming back indicated that the future would look more like the past than the present. That there should be a return to the relationship based commerce done between people in neighborhood markets. Back to a time when the speed of life allowed taking time to earnestly andsincerely inquire about the people that you in fact owed your livelihood to. However, it was not done for the reciprocity. The reciprocity was a by-product of the relationship.
There is so much opportunity and potential to live in the question with peers and constituents today, recreating more of the past into the future, relationally and exponentially making use of all of the emerging social medias.
I appreciate a voice singing for this and appreciate, as I read other voices commenting in, a choir.
We grow up, and generally our parents tell us "No-one likes a show-off" so we don't like to talk about ourselves. Even if it's in the *non-bragging* mould, we're lectured into believing that one word about ourselves is bad.
Then we go to school, and we're told that again. The sports team is exactly that - a team, and rightly so. Unless you're a solitary chess player, of course.
Then we go to work as young adults, and we're thrown into ice-breaker situations. Team meetings where our leaders say, "Right, you're turn - who are you, what do you want here? Go." Then we're told that the only way to succeed is to put yourself out there - no-one climbs the corporate ladder by being Mr. Nice Guy.
Then we die, and people don't really know what to say about us because we're this enigma that never really opened up (or opened up too much).
Conversation is the breeding ground for community. Community is the breeding ground for knowledge. Knowledge is the breeding ground for success. How do we start a conversation? By asking about others.
Do the math. :)
Great points. I coach some very dynamic, exciting people. There's no question that for me the best client is a person who wants to grow, learn and be the best. When talking with people, I tend to focus on those things. You bring up something so important to marketing. Many of the groups I work with are shy about marketing themselves (These are often entrepreneurs). Once I explain that they are not 'selling" themselves, they are learning about others. Their role when they meet someone is to learn more about them, i.e., to show a genuine curiosity about the other person. Even in networking events the goal is to gather cards, not to shove your card at every person you see. And, I might add, you need to gather cards from people with whom you connect, not with everyone.
Taking this concept a step further and into the social media--particularly Twitter, why is it we still get people shoving themselves at us? I get weary of the tweets that say, "Hello here I am, check out my whatever," before they know anything about me. Have you any tips for how to create a really good group of followers? Not just numbers, but people who understand the value of relationship? I read all your blogs and I'd love for you to share some ideas (I've read the rants).
Best and thanks!
Joan
Working at a higher education institution, this is becoming particularly important. To slightly modify one of you statements in your post:
Which works better? An ad about how awesome your school is, or a student saying how awesome your school is?
I wrote a blog post with my thoughts on the subject.
Thanks for your post, it was a good read.
Best.
William
www.williamarruda.com
I agree it is all about the other person...All about the experience and the relationships Social Media draws you into.
By the way I love the picture on your blog. Looks like a happy memory for you and your little girl..So I guess will add one more to the list...It is also about the memories.
Good words Chris as always.
Once again a really great post. When I remember to listen more....learn more....I actually gain insight into myself. Have met some really wonderful people that are involved in the online space here in St Louis--one of the things they have in common is that they listen.
Thanks for the reminder--and thanks for listening!
Recently I sat in a meeting where somebody was using two mobile phones under the table while people were talking. Perhaps he thought he was listening and able to multitask,but he certainly let us know what he thought was important. When I write on my personal blog I feel hyper-aware of when I am using 'I' too much. I really want it to be about others, although I guess the nature of personal blogging is that it pivots around my own view of the world. I would rather let people know what we have in common and why we should connect, rather than telling them they should read my blog because of any kind of self importance. Our stories and our backgrounds are part of what helps us to connect, the trick I find is not letting those stories become our identities.
I got similar advice from @krazykriz, a very smart Gov 2.0 guy, who recommended always starting out a training or consulting session by asking what the problems are that need solving. Sometimes I think I know, but that's not always so.
Along with asking questions, I find it's great to talk up what other people are doing. It adds to the community, and may create relationships that are ultimately going to be much more valuable than a back and forth with me.
That is where there is a great balance, a yin yang relationship (forgive me) between the blog and the about page. The about page is yin, that means it is the foundation, the solid ground which says who you are and what you can do for the client. The Yang, which is more active, is more about the creating the personality, the teaching, going out to the internet world and getting known. But without the strong foundation, it will not attract anybody, it will just be waster cyber energy.
Sad to hear your favorite cafe is closing it's doors. I really liked their idea for the blog and was considering something a little similar for my blog about my acupuncture practice.